That was kinda edgy

     So

the last few posts have maybe been a little sad, weepy

pathetic even, edgy if you will! but I'm done with that now.

Sure I'll still feel a little melancholic now and then but I imagine that feeling is here to stay. To fill the moments where I'm not thinking about anything I suppose. Life goes on, it doesn't wait for you to pick up the pieces. It's not mean, it's not uncaring. It's Unbothered. It simply goes on! Not out of spite, nor to put you down or make you feel bad. It simply keeps going as it was. That is the nature of time and space and matter. It pisses me off when people who believe in the stupid fallacy of tough love use "life" as a justification for treating others badly. Life is only tough because people like you are rude to others and hate others. It's that simple. With that, I'll speak of this topic no more.

    I've been trying to eat better and take better care of myself, as well as spend less money. I'm eating fast food less, paying a little closer attention to what I eat, eating 3 meals a day, getting time outside in the sun, exercising more etc. Most of this is to try and build muscle. I think my protein intake is fine but now I eat a salad pretty much every day (a really fuckin good salad might I add, I make em myself). I've started meditating again when I have the time. Work has me pretty busy, but I'm  getting a few days off in a row. I monitor my spending a bit more now as well, trying to make my paychecks last. I no longer drive long distances as often and gas prices seem to be dropping a bit so that eases the iron grip on the ol' wallet a bit. I'm trying to embrace the things I love more, devote more time to actually watching movies. Reading literature about drums and film, doing minor lawn care for now (with plans for a possible garden when the money is here for it).

I'm devoting more time to my band. Our first real show is this Friday and I'm real nervous but I'm so excited. I think we sound really good and I like the other lads in the band. I really think this could go somewhere this time. I really hope it will at least. I never thought I'd end up making music I liked the sound of, but I really do enjoy the music my band makes. I hope you all genuinely do too, but it's fine if you don't (Jk I Fucking Hate You If You Don't Like My Band). I really feel like I'm on the edge of a lotta good stuff now. My life is about to get really fuckin awesome (after a doctor's visit) and things are gonna swing back my way! 

    My mom has plans to take out a loan and buy a house, no clue how that's gonna go or if it's gonna happen at all. Gonna invest in new drum gear next paycheck and save the rest probably. Who knows. I bought a new alligator pal named G, he hangs from my rearview mirror. I should probably get a car wash, it looks nasty, and also clean out the inside, it's not bad just a little cluttered.

The show is in 3 days, holy crap.

The song of the week is Clout Chasers by JER

Other Side

    I keep tripping on wires that aren't there. Falling for fictional traps that I manufacture in my mind because I can't bare the idea that she isn't thinking about me. It doesn't mean anything. I'm reading too far into it. She's just like me, but still...

Why is every song still about her, why is every poem written to her, why is every lve story a metaphor for us and why do I still want her arms around when I'm cold and alone at night. Is it because I spent so long imagining a life together with her that I can't think of any other way to live now? Is it just because I'm sad and alone and crave affection from anyone who will give it to me? am I just a whore? am I broken? No.

Healing takes time. I spent so long fucked up over nothing, of course things still feel the same. But it's different now. It doesn't have t be, I know she'd let it slip back into that twilight hell. I would too. But not again. It's going to hurt. I want to block her on everything and yet I know I shouldn't. I want to be angry, I want to yell and scream and blame her and demand answers and be mean but she doesn't deserve that. Blame has no place here. Rage has no place here. Grief has a place here. Love belongs here. Care, acceptance, peace. No more shall I fight a fictional war in my brain. No more will I cry tears for a horse that died long ago. No longer will I tussle with a fake polar bear. I just need time. I just need to wait things out. The waves will echo back slowly, but they will be smaller and smaller each time. Till eventually all that's left is a tingle in my left earlobe and a warm sensation at the tip of my nose. The little voice that says "you remember?" will do so lovingly, and I will look back fondly onto a time where I was happy in a sea of sadness.

    I think that's it. That must be why I'm still out of whack over this bullshit. I was so sad for so long, I wanted to give up so many times. I was ready, but she kept me going. The light at the end of my tunnel was lined with gold and by the grace of god I made it through. But. There's no gold on the other side of the tunnel. Only a kiss goodbye and tearstained pillows of a begotten era was I was so happy and I didn't even know it. If I could just savor a few more minutes of that feeling. I'd stick it in a bottle and put a cork on it and put it under my pillow every night and on those nights when my thoughts are too loud I'd pop that bitch open and remember. Wouldn't that be nice. Memories don't work like that though. All I have left is what's in my head, and that pang of jealousy anytime I see her posts. I want to stop looking, but I'm afraid she'll notice. My heart is hurt, but hers doesn't need to be. So i'll tip-toe on broken glass if I have to, whatever it takes (course if she reads any of these last few posts that'll all go to shit, but I'm still banking on the fact that nobody reads these). All I want is for these feelings to be gone. All I want is to be normal again, all I want is to feel okay again. I really am fine. Nothings wrong. I should be over this by now. It's been over a year. I really am okay. I am okay.

It just doesn't feel like it, and that's okay too.

Had a really productive week drums wise. Assembled my electric drums so I can practice at home more without having to worry about waking the entire cul de sac up. I just need to invest in better headphones so I can hear myself and I'm golden. Today I worked out a couple songs with tha band and they sound real good. I got a raise at work and now I make 20/hr so I should have more money for expenses such as a new symbol stand, more sticks, bandages for my fingers and other band related stuff. I will have to start paying rent soon, but it's not gonna be bad. 750 a month is EZ. I just have to be better at saving money. Live a little more frugally. Maybe pick up some more hours at work. Regular life things. Because I have a regular life. As an adult. A normal adult. Perhaps THE MOST normal. Haha nothing weird here right guys? yeah totally.

Anyways, my first show is in 2 weeks. A lot of my relatives are coming. That'll be weird. Good, but weird still. 

I just need to get over this shit, I'll be all better soon. soon.

The song of the week is Scar Tissue by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.