So much has happened this week, I almost forgot it was Monday. Sorry about the late post.
My mom got Covid, which was scary. It made me realize somethings. Firstly, how important food is to me, secondly, how much I hate the texture of chewed food. I was absolutely terrified that I would lose my taste, because I simply cannot handle the texture of chewed food, I probably couldn't eat if not for the taste. That being said, I love eating, and spend a lot of my time on this Earth eating. I am a very hungry lad. Luckily I didn't get Covid. Had to stand in a line for a really long time today to get tested, but it came back negative. All I need is for my mom to STAY in BED, which she vehemently refuses because the doctor told her after 7 days she can leave her room with a mask on IF SHE NEEDS TO, and so she does, often. Im trying to stay as safe as I can, but she's making it difficult for me. She also keeps throwing these loaded anti-vax questions at me even tho she's already vaccinated!!! She just expects me to have all the answers to her questions and sometimes I do, often I don't. Its frustrating, but its okay. She is my mom after all. I should give her a little credit though, she usually stops if I call her out and won't do it again for a while. I think she genuinely forgets she's sick?
Speaking of, she bought me a live drumset! I spent a good amount of this weekend setting it up, and then crying, and then setting it up some more, and then more crying. It was a lovely back and forth. I had a bit of a mental break and/or depersonalization moment. I didn't know how to tune my drums, and because of that I spiraled into an identity crisis because what kind of drummer can't tune up? It didn't help that every single online source I found said something different. Regardless, I got some help and now my shit sounds fire. During my mental breakdown I spiraled very quickly. It sort of frightened me after the fact how quickly downhill I went. I couldn't find a necessary tool (it was in a secret pocket in the pants I was wearing that I forgot existed) and I went fucking insane tearing up my room looking for it... well okay it isn't torn up and actually I sort of cleaned it but I was not in a good state mentally. There was a moment where I was just laying in my bed and all the bad things that were happening to me sort of... converged into this weird mix of terrible awful feelings and intrusive thoughts. They were so loud I couldn't hear my therapy voice anymore. So so loud. I cried. Very hard. I wailed into my pillow. I sounded like a banshee. I'm an ugly crier, I can usually hold in my cries (thanks dad) but sometimes a tear or to will come out. However if I'm upset enough to audibly cry? It is awful. Like if a mountain lion and a fox tried to bang and as a result both of the animals exploded. After I had a good long cry (I don't know how long it was, but it was certainly longer than most) I found the tool (and mercilessly berated myself for being so stupid) and everything turned around very suddenly. It's strange how quickly my mood can shift, and how easily it can be affected by my environment, though I suppose everyone is like that.
I've been working on romanticizing the little things in my life. In my last session with my therapist, I talked about how my life has significantly improved from where it was when I started therapy, and yet I was not content. I wasn't satisfied. I'm surrounded by people I love, I have income, I have my own space, I have the ability to do the things I love, there's no reason for me to not be content with my life. So... why aren't I? I told her it felt like I was missing something that everyone else knew, something that was so obvious. She said something that I can't get out of my head. She told me contentedness, happiness, satisfaction, all that comes from the inside. She told me that I had to look inwards and ask myself why I wasn't satisfied. The thing is, I don't know why I'm not satisfied. Perhaps it means I am satisfied. She told me that capitalism and marketing (of course) drives you to consume, it forces you to think that enough is not enough. You need more, you always need more, you will never be content with what you have. I don't wanna get caught up in that, so I'm learning to romanticize and enjoy the little things. Like when I'm driving and the sun's out and my music is blasting, or when I play a song on the drums real good, or the quiet moments at night when I look up at the sky and the sky looks back and smiles. When I look up at the moon peaking through the clouds and I think to myself why she's beautiful! When I'm on Discord and I tell a joke and everyone laughs, or when I'm gaming with friends and we all work as a comprehensive team. Doing this has helped a bunch, but there's still that worry. The fear. The fear that I'm wasting my time, I could be doing more. There's so much to do and so little time! How am I to fit it all in before I keel over?! I try not to think about that too much, and now I will be taking a long swig of sangria. Mmm refreshing! (pro tip, caprisun is excellent for mixing with wine)
Jamba Juice wants to interview me this Thursday at 1:00 PM. Thats cool,
I turn 18 in a month and 9 days, and I go to the Tacoma Dome car museum with my sister on my birthday, so I'm pumped for that!
See Y'all next week
The song of the week is A-O-K by Tai Verdes
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