Here we go again

     Family is so weird. I like to say I'm not close to my family because the truth is I'm not. Most of my family is very distant to me. Do I like it that way? maybe, I'm not sure. I don't know. Is it better that way? Likely. Family is messy, I'd like to pretend it's messy for everyone but that ain't the truth. Some people have happy families and family reunions they can actually go to and such. They visit on the holidays and calls are traded more than every once in a while. I don't even know if I could make those connections anymore. I'm so different from how everyone in my extended family thinks I am. I like to think I'm different from what my sisters consider me to be but I have no clue if that's true. There's times I don't know who I am. I feel like an asshole at times even though everyone tries to remind me I'm a good person at heart. Do they all see me as an asshole? Do my family members despise me? I can never tell. I hardly feel like I know most of them, even my sisters. It's strange to feel like that even though I know things about them I can never unknow. I know things that Only we know. Thus is the bond of siblings, right? That shared knowledge. The common carved neural pathways, all stemming from the shared environment and genetics. It's so funny to feel far away from someone who shares DNA with you. That concept is insane! To be prehistorically and ecologically linked on such a deep level and yet? Do I Know you? Do you Know me? 

I don't know anything. I don't know why I pretend I do. I should stop trying to solve other people's problems because honestly? I feel like I just make things worst. I know I'm doing my best in life but like man oh man. Am I really? I could be doing better. Why aren't I? It's a process. I can move faster, but will that help me? I need to give myself time. Time to heal. I need to relax. Fill the time with more things. I need to remember that every day I'm doing better, no matter what my mind tells me. I am not my thoughts. I am my actions. I am my choices, I am my decisions. I make mistakes, everyone does. It's allowed.

Whew, now that that's all off my chest....

Band stuff is exciting! We have so many shows coming up (one this sunday 9/25 hint hint wink wink) and I'm really happy! I can't wait to play real art this weekend. I talked with my boss at work about time off in october and it's likely that most of my october time off is gonna get approved. That's good because working on a show day sucks so much ass. Our new setlist sounds awesome, and we're gonna run through it beforehand so we're sure it sounds good! I'm so fucking hyped. I also picked up weights so I can build my arm muscle up. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with them so I'm sticking to simple stuff, but I'm gonna look around online to see if there's something more specific I could be doing. Still have to buy a pull-up bar but that'll have to be next paycheck along with the fishing pole and other supplies. I may also buy a backpacking backpack, the other day someone came threw my line who offered me one for 50 bucks. That was intriguing to me so I got their contact info and now I just have to contact them and see if it's in good condition.  Much to do....

I've been inching bit by bit towards being more zen. It's happening slowly but I'm making progress. Cooling my temper, staying level headed when it's important, not being afraid to enjoy myself and not taking myself too seriously. Hopefully this keeps up.

The song of the week is My Favorite Accident by Motion City Soundtrack

Yeowza

     So I took a break from writing these because of many reasons I will get into later. August was interesting to say the least. I find myself longing for the autumn and winter for once. I wanna go fishing so bad dawg it's not even funny fuck man. I am also gonna get fucking ripped. I'm gonna buy a pull-up bar and weights and I'm just gonna fucking. Get Swole. It's gonna be baller. Im gonna get stuido headphones for my damn electric drums and just go fucking hard dude. I've been trying to embrace my hippie side more genuinely. I feel like a lot of the times I claim to be a hippie and yet there are some things  I do that are quite the opposite. I should judge others less. I'd expect others to do the same for me. Live shamelessly. Shame isn't valuable to me anymore. So in light of that news I'd like to share with y'all The August Moods. A horrible little paragraph of  based on the list of things I compiled over the course of August that I was going to write a blog post about. At some point I considered even possibly breaking these topics up into multiple posts! So,,, here's the list

I'm disgusted with everything to the point of nausea. myself, the world, my actions. (thats actually what it says. So edgy...)

Roadkill (?)

Conflicted about family (yea)

band update (!!)

doctor appointment (nothing happened I probably don't have cancer tho)

fuck it we ball (????)

everyone is a messiah (what does that fucking mean)

and now what all of that means in order

I was experiencing such a terrible case of burnout. Work, personal life, everything was just making me so fucking tired that I wanted to throw up all of the time. I also had to make some difficult decisions that were rough on me. It's fine now though. I'm all good, I had a super good day today! The global condition always makes me want to throw-up. Everytime I see a headline about climate change I get nauseated. Then I get angry. So angry, that I want to throw up again. Everyone is just so desensitized to everything, it drives me insane how often I have to see dead animals rotting away on the side of the road. I hate it so fucking much. It's not even just the dead animal it's the wasted life. It disgusts me. I dunno maybe I'm just  a sentimental fool but I care about the birds that get hit by cars!!! We're just supposed to deal with that like it's not rotting animals on the side of the road. like what the fuck. I fucking hate cars so much. We're just supposed to accept that and the constant capitalistic overstimulation that 90% of america's cities look like. I envy those who live out in the woods so fucking much.  I was feeling very conflicted because I was having some... interesting family events that affected me in ways I wasn't expecting. It's so weird. It's like I say I hate you, but I miss you. I don't care about you but I worry for you. How can I know if you care about me? How do I know if I should trust you. My dad has been texting me more lately. I feel bad sometimes for being cold to him, but I also don't. It's complicated. It always is. My band is booking hella shows! Sept 25th at Real Art Tacoma!!!!! 2 MORE IN OCTOBER (((;;;; I really like a lot of the music we're pumping out, and there's already plans in the works to do some recording. I'm not really clear on how it's gonna work but it'll be sick I'm sure. I had a doctor's appointment to check out some sus lumps. No cancer. wahoo. Fuck it, we ball. I do not give a fuck anymore. I am. Ballin.

Everyone is a messiah. We're all god. We are constantly reaching new peaks of enlightenment. We control our own destiny. We are all jesus. We should all wash the feet of prostitutes and the homeless. They are our cousins. We are all walking temples creating universe after universe with every decision made in a split second.  We are all code in a simulation in a matrix. Code is malleable. We are in control, Harness your energy, write your code, carve your path, and live everyday knowing that yesterday you did the best you could and tomorrow you will do the best you can. All you can control is today.

So anyways that was The August Moods. Will I do this next august? will it be a different month? will I just do it every time I experience burnout? who fucking knows. You guys missed out on a lot of songs of the weeks so there will be 4 honorable mentions (my top 4 songs of august) in addition to this week's song of the week.

Longview - Green Day

Greener - Tally Hall

Leviathan - Volbeat

Drain the Blood - The Distillers

and 

The song of the week is When Did Your Heart Go Missing by Rooney