Happy halloween y'all, let's talk fears for a sec.
I have a lot of em, probably a lot of really stupid ones, probably a lot of really cringey ones, but I think it's important to recognize that fear is the most human thing one can feel. It's normal to have fears. I find that I often have to remind myself of that. I have to accept my fears as real and normal, and learn how to move past them. Everyone does. It's not easy, fear wouldn't be scary if it was, but why's it gotta be so damn hard.
Well here's a list of things I'm afraid of
in no particular order
Deep water. I've almost drowned twice, I think I'm allowed to be afraid of deep water. Once in a rip tide in Costa Rica. It's fun to know you're losing a battle against fuckin water. You can feel yourself start slipping, not keeping up with the waves. Then the rain starts, and the waves get bigger, start crashing over your head dragging water up through your nostrils. It was a fun time! Eventually some people noticed I was an idiot and I got help, still was rough getting back to shore. Not in my top 10 moments, maybe bottom 10 tho. Then there was this time I can't really remember where I was young and I got pushed into a pool. Not really interesting but eh whatever.
Spiders. I've always been uncomfortable with how they look, move, the concept of their fangs, the 8 eyes. None of it makes me feel very good. It's weird, I have no issues with other insects. Just spiders, and scorpions for some reason. I will straight up scream like a little girl if there's a spider in the shower. I straight up cannot deal. If it was life or death I couldn't touch one don't even try to get me to. The thing is I really like the concept of spiders. I think they are cool helpful little guys with pretty houses and epic abilities (spider man is my actual favorite superhero deadass) but god forbid if I see one of those guys.
Dying (alone). I am terrified of death. Sure you might be saying "well isn't everybody" and uhmm NO not as much as I am! I will have entire panic attacks because I started thinking about how my time on this plane is limited. There's so much I wont do, people I wont meet, things I didn't get to say. Hugs I never gave, food I didn't cook, you get the idea. I just hate the thought that someday someone will need me, or want me, and I wont be there! There's a thought that scares me more though.
I feel so deeply misunderstood. Nobody gets my why. At least I don't think so. No one understands why my brain thinks the way it does, not even me! I'm worried when I'm gone that I'll go down that way. Misunderstood. That'll be my fuckin legacy. A scribble on a piece of paper in barely legible handwriting and when you finally read it, BOOM, different language. That's me. I doubt anyone claims to understand me, and that's okay nobody needs to for now. But Forever?
Losing my fucking job. Christ I dunno what I'd do. I'll never find a job this good again without my GED, and I was hoping that this job would finally provide me with enough money to get that shit done. Course not, Course I gotta fuck everything up everytime. And to think it's not even my performance. I just keep on getting to work late. Why can't I just be there on time. What the fuck is wrong with me? Sure is it a little stupid that I got spoken to today because in 2 weeks I was 5 minutes late once and 7 minutes later another time but. Thats after being 30 minutes late 4 times so I get it. But this time I really thought I was doing better. Fuckin
its just a job.
I'm scared I'm wasting my life. I'm just biding my time doing fuckall till my body desides to kick the bucket and usher me off this plane and into the next one whatever the fuck that is. Am I really just a lowlife good for nothing retail worker 1 mistake away from complete disaster? Is that all there is for me to be now? Are these the consequences of my own actions? surely. This is all my fault. I made bad decisions, I did stupid things, wrong choices, look at me now. I'm fucking crying while writing a blog post instead of talking to a therapist like a normal fucking person. I just keep fucking it up. I'lll fuck everything up eventually and then what? Nobody's gonna bail me out. I can't keep running forever. Eventually my stupidity is gonna catch up. My carelessness. My inability to change myself. What's wrong with me? I know it's not supposed to be easy but this is endless! Agony! I must be fucking dead and this is my hell. my Limbo my tartarus my fucking whatever. My punishment. Karma. The consequences. I'm not a fucking tv character, or a protagonist in some video game. I'm a human and I'm fucking up so bad and nobody is gonna save me once I'm out of those second chances. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy I really do. I'm just not destined for it. or maybe I was but I blew it cuz I fucked it up. Whatever.
At least my band is doing good. I need to have faith that I won't fuck that up. I will Succeed at Something. Just not what these corporate fucking shitbags disguising as a "woke" company want me to succeed at. To think I trusted these artificial surface level bastards with too much money and not enough of a cause. Fuck em. I may lose the money but I'll keep my fucking morals intact and maybe I wont feel so bad when I wake up in the morning. That's enough to hope for on my part. I should prolly mention we got some shows coming up and I'd really appreciate it if y'all could show up if ye can. Nov. 4th at Real Art Tacoma, Nov 6th at the lucky liquor. There's more info on me socials if you care. (@cholyband on instagram:D)
I don't have anything to look forward to, At this point I just hope I still have my job by next month.
The song of the week is Homelife Is A Drag by No Cash