Everything in the world I live in is about money. It is about getting ahead of others. It's about gaining more wealth. And for what. Its weird to have a mind that exists outside of that, or maybe can't wrap itself around that. Can't I just be? I didn't ask to, but I'm here nonetheless. Everyone expects me to have this same goal. Financial gain, to buy more stuff. Consume, run out of money, make more, repeat. Its asinine. All that stuff has no value to me. Don't get me wrong I love stuff, but I don't want just ANY stuff. There are memories attached to all of the mortal possessions I keep. Little reminders of that person, that experience, that place. I think some people expect me to be totally zen, and material possessions mean nothing to me. I can't bring myself to let them go. Because that was given to me by my uncle 10 years ago, and that one is from my time in another place, and that one is from my sister at christmastime and so on. Whats the point of collecting shiny new stuff with no emotional value. Will that make you happy? Does that fill the bottomless pit that sits in your stomach and sinks deeper every day? That pit needs love, and you don't get love from gold toilets and personal jets to trinidad. The community you build around yourself is what matters, and I want my items, my room, my decor and myself to represent the community I've built around myself.
My band brought back freak for the first time in a while and my worst fear came true. I was unable to play it. I don't know how, but the drums are too hard now, even though I wrote them a year ago when I wasn't as good as I am now. I don't know what changed or how I did it then. Do we play the song faster? maybe I'm changing them somehow in a way that makes them harder. I don't know I feel like its the same The most embarrassing part is that it's a surf beat so it should hypothetically be pretty easy, but I've got some Mad Crazy fills in that song. Dale keeps trying to encourage me but he only ends up pissing me off. I appreciate the heart but, he just keeps telling me stuff I already know. It frustrates me. I know that if I played more I'd be better that's obvious. I just don't have the ability and even he knows that. It just frustrates me when someone speaks on something that important to me without knowing what it's like for me. I don't know. Different perspective I guess. I dunno, I feel like a dick when I lash out like that but. I feel so much pressure to preform lately and I'm worried I'm not really keeping up. It makes me sick to even think about. I think I'll talk about something else now.
The fires recently helped me realize something. Just how desensitized we are now to FOREST FIRES. They are too common now. People don't even care! When smoke got like it did last week I'd hear about it everywhere oh the fire in ____. But like nobody gives a shit anymore. It's just another norm in the world now, just like shootings and police brutality deaths. People just take it on the chin now because there's been so much of it in the recent years. The fuckin planet is fighting us off like a goddamn virus when we could be working with mother earth towards a better ecosystem for everything and everyone! But instead we consume. We take, we steal. We use knives and forks to tear her apart and drink the black blood that spills out, We rip out her hair and weave carbon copy housing out of it, we dump cancer in her DNA and acid in her eyes. At the end of the day capitalism has turned us into a parasite, one who's host is slowly wasting away. Folks we only got one host, shouldn't we keep her alive instead of killing her? We need her to survive afterall, and we ain't found a new one that exists that we'd reach in a timespan that mattered. OK that metaphor kinda got away from me there. Something something the industrial revolution and it's consequences something something.
I really have no game and no swag. All I have are my looks and the fact that I can talk for a REALLY long time about certain topics. If I really had swag I could probably get away with saying what I feel to the people who I want to say it to. But I also don't want to rush. That's been my mistake in the past, I just jump in without thinking. I need to ease up. Relax. Taking it slow is better in the long run. Besides it's probably mostly one-sided lets be real. Man this shit has me overthinking my whole personality, Sometimes I catch myself and I have to snap myself out of it by reminding myself I am in fact a person (or alligator) with personality and interests that I like to talk about. I don't want to filter myself to fit an ideal perception anymore. I think that was another mistake I made in the past. I have to be myself honestly and wholeheartedly and if they don't want that I Don't Want Them.
Jared's gonna buy me new cymbals soon. Excited fo dat, even if it means I gotta get new cymbal stands.
I guess my last thought is that to me, sharing music is a religious experience. Thats some deep bonding. Remember that.
The song of the week is Beer by Reel Big Fish
