No matter how fast I run, I can't escape this feeling.
This feeling that starts in my guts, somewhere deep in my core. This feeling that solidifies into a pit in my stomach growing bigger the longer and faster I try to run. This feeling that melts into my chest, tightening around my lungs. This feeling that rises up to my throat and makes me want to cry, yet I swallow it back down and it turns into pain in my heart. This feeling that vomits out of my when I'm angry, and sweats out of me in my fevers and chills. I can't ever outrun it. The feeling that stiffens my joints and cramps my forearms. That snaps my wrists and slices my hands. What will you think of my art. Why Do I care. Do I want your approval? Do I want you to hear it at all? It's not for you. some of it is about you. In a way I could have never gotten this far without you. Everyone likes my power, my energy on stage. The way I play is because I'm so full of hate for you. Do you know that? All of my accomplishments happen in spite of you. Feel no fucking pride for my progress, because you are not an investor who put time in and got profits out. You are the sludge. The fossils. The oil. the disgusting black ooze I use up for that extra little boost. You take no credit for my achievements, you never should. You did nothing to help me, you did nothing to teach me. You will see me rise above and become better than you ever were. Than you were ever capable. And when people ask me how I did it, I wont even say your fucking name. I'll just look them in the eyes, credit my loved ones, and end it with hatred for you. Spite. Spite that fuels me to be better.
And even with all that spite I still can't outrun the feeling that I'm not good enough. Sometimes I wonder if the way you've raised me is why I feel that way. I was never good enough for you, and now I feel I'm not good enough for my bandmates. That feeling, the inability to keep up. It drags me back so much. It keeps me from doing my best because I'm so afraid of failure. I'm afraid one day there's gonna be something they want that I can't do. Modern drumming is so scary and in the grand scheme of skill levels I really ain't much. Even the drummers on the scene, I'm so consistently impressed with these drummers and there's a little voice that plays in the back of my head that says I should be trying harder to be like them. What if that's not who I am. My drums reflect me as a person, I forget that they're supposed to sometimes. I get so caught up in the skills I forget about the self expression. I don't want to be like that. I need less them and more ME. I have to remember that my drums are the right drums because they are Mine. My choices are correct because they are the ones I make. Trust in the river to carry me to victory. The path I carve is my own and my own alone. I have to trust myself because if I can't do that I can't trust anyone. Inhale
Exhale.
My band played a benefit show for victims of the Maui fires. Nice to do a good deed, plus it was a fun night. Feels a little insensitive to have fun at such a serious fundraiser but, it was a show after all. We need to play more house shows, its just a neat environment to be myself in I think, that and make friends with like-minded individuals. and get drunk, love beer! I love people. I love making friends, and I love playing music. It's good to remind yourself of the things you love, like King gizzard (or whatever your favorite band is) or Baby Driver (or whatever your favorite movie is). The transitional seasons are lovely and I love them. I love the sun, I love my friends. I love the Costco $1.50 hotdog and arizona Iced tea for $1.00. I love my dog, I love animals, I love the Chernobyl Radiation and Ecological Biosphere Reserve, and if you read this blog, I love you. I don't know why you do, its mostly garbage, but I thank you anyways.
My resume is updated. I need to start shopping around for a new job. I Can't take this shit much longer. I'm gonna hate learning a new job but, I'm gonna have to because much longer at this place is gonna drive me insane. Or maybe I could transfer to a different store. Something has to change, and soong. If I have to listen to another white lady bitch me out about 100 dollar sweatpants I swear to god. I'm gonna snap. I will definitely miss my co-workers but there are some that I wont miss at all. So many people at that place are amazing but it only takes a few rotten apples to ruin the vibe. I need something less customer facing. Something where I can pop headphones in for a couple hours and nobody will care, or at least notice. I'm so tired of working at a mall and being so overstimulated no matter where I go. It's pure fucking hell. I hate fucking malls so fucking much jesus fucking christ. I HATE MALLS I HATE MALLS I HATE MALLS. WHO THE FUCK GOES TO THE MALL TO HAVE FUN. rich people thats who. I can't afford to shop at 90% of the places at that mall, I can't afford 90% of the stuff at REI!!!! The longer I work at the mall the more soul it sucks out of me. I can't take it any longer. I need to leave soon.
Band's taking a break from shows. Should be a nice reset.
I'm itching to play the drums, it's been to long I'm dying. Maybe I could ask jones to let me in to play but, then they'd have to be there when I left, plus loading in and out my drums, IDK if the killco drums are there still. Ugh. whatever. I can wait a couple days if I need.
The song of the week is Boat Drinks by Jimmy Buffet (RIParadise)
