I have neglected writing a blog post because in all likelihood it would have been filled with more bitching and whining and stupid thoughts that lead nowhere. Even now as I'm writing this I'm thinking "why the fuck am I writing this" because in truth, Nothing has happened. My life has hit a standstill. My mind runs on a loop created by fear and upkept by society that slowly spirals down and down into a pit. In truth I haven't felt this numb in a while. I thought winning the IDGAF war was the way to get out of this hole but now I just don't give a shit about anything. Whats the point in that? it makes you lazy. Giving a fuck, saying that you want to get up in the morning and fight, to be motivated, is what living should be about. So many people preach to you to let go of your fears and worries and live a life motivated by kindness and peace. Have they looked outside lately? perhaps they've been blinded by their rose colored glasses and refuse to see the amount of pain and fear that everyone faces on a daily goddamn basis. No fuck that. I'm done being complacent. I'm done letting the world keep me down and letting everyone tell me that everything is fine. Its Not fucking Fine. A fires been lit under me but what else is new. I feel like once a month I get this spark that shoots off like a firework only to drown in water. I need to refocus. I'm letting my points get away from me here. I need to work harder, I need to try harder. I'm not doing enough. I can see that clearly. And it bothers me. I don't like who I am. I don't like how I treat others, I don't like so much about myself. But What's stopping me from changing that? If I'm cognizant of the behaviour and I hate it, why cant I change? Because changing is fucking hard. If it was fucking easy everyone would be the happiest person on earth.
I have to consider what would truly make me happy. What Do I want out of life? Who Do I want To be? What Will I leave behind and when I do leave behind everything, will I have done enough? It all comes back to that satisfaction./ When Will I be happy with myself? I think I need to be happy with myself before the rest of it comes. I need to understand that the mistakes I made as a child are not representative of who I am today and that I am sorry that I did those things. I cannot continue to make excuses for my shitty behaviour. I cannot continue to act shitty. I want to be kind and helpful and loving. Why is that so hard for me? I think I know. It's because growing up I didn't have a good example of what it meant to be kind and helpful and loving. Nobody teaches you these things, except they do. your family does. Your friends. Lord knows I had good role models and I think thats where the good in me comes from. Childhood friends and their parents who basically raised me. I have to stop treating the stuff about myself that I don't like as evil, and start treating it like what it is.
I'll use a metaphor
You (or me) are like a house. When you are young, the house is being built. You start out an empty plot, waiting to be crafted and molded, and a construction crew comes in to get to work. Now if the construction crew does a good job and makes a strong foundation, measures everything twice, works their sweat and blood into your wood paneling and I beams, You'll come out a great sturdy and beautiful house, however if the construction team is lazy, doesn't take the time or focus to get your foundations right, everything comes out a little off. You lean crooked to the side, holes form in your roof and cracks in your foundation. The longer you wait to do something about it, the worse it gets, and if no city officials come by and notice the code violations? well you might just kill somebody, or collapse in on yourself, or whatever may happen.
I'm sick of being a crooked old wooden house. I need to fix myself. Starting from the foundation up. I need to be held accountable and I will state right now forever if theres something I'm doing thats wrong, you need to tell me to cut it out. I can't expect to do this entirely by myself. I know that now, That's been my problem in the past, pushing others away in my time of need is not the right thing to do. Lashing out violently with words or actions is not okay, I need to regain control of my emotions before I do something really stupid. Not like I haven't already been doing really stupid shit. I need to shape up. But I can't do it alone, and thats why I'm glad I have all the friends that I do now. I was so used to just dealing with things on my own because I couldn't trust anyone else to be of any help. It's not that way anymore. I turn twenty soon. I need to stop being such a fucking child. I need to act like a goddamn adult, because I am now. I can't be too hard on myself for being childish though, because I wasn't allowed to be like that as a child, as My Father always said "children are to be seen, not heard." That mentality killed me as a child, now it makes me afraid to voice my concerns or stand up for myself. I reject that now, I am a person and people are just meant to Be. full stop. that's it.
Will this change anything for me? Who fucking knows, I hope so but I know myself. I can only try to remind myself of this feeling. This fire. The spark. I can never let it go until it kills me because otherwise I'll already be dead. I just hope I have it in me, otherwise everyone would be right about me. I can't let that happen. I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to be a loser, I hate when people say that I am. It makes me feel small, and worthless. I'm not a fucking loser, I'm an alligator and I will fucking eat you bitch.
Okay that was alot of rambling but I've had some things on the brain.
Okay that was alot of rambling but I've had some things on the brain.
I turn 20 in 22 days. I guess that makes today special? 2 is my lucky number afterall
Might join a new band soon as well, but I won't talk about that till I'm more sure that it will actually happen.
the song of this post is Tfou 3lik by Taqbir.
