Lately I feel as though I'm just waiting to wake up a corpse. Eyes open in the morning and I check, am I dead? I feel so disconnected with how people think, and I feel so out of sync with myself. Like a shell, Shambling along the side of the road ready to wander into the wrong person's line of sight. What do I even want anymore? I'm tired of the life I've been living. So filled with anger, discomfort, and unsteadiness. I'm ready to be off the ship and back on solid ground so to speak. Let me ask you some questions to change the subject.
Is it okay to change yourself for someone else? Is it possible? What if you loved them. Or Cared enough to try. Rather should you find someone else who accepts you for who you are? I reckon the answers are different depending on what needs changing. Is it right to demand change? Is it sensical to handcuff yourself to somebody whos drowning with a bag of bricks when you've got a floatation device? When you yourself have said to others "Man you have the key in your hand! What glory does drowning with an idiot bring?" What glory Does drowning with an idiot bring? Sharing bricks, that's what. I don't want bricks. I want to swim. I want to breathe. I want to live. It's kind of funny to think about that, it really shows how far I've come in 8 years. They say that all your cells are completely replaced in 7 years. Does that count the brain? Are we all walking ships of theseus constantly having parts removed and restored until we are an entirely different ship? To say to a 12 year old gator that there will come a time when you want to live. Like Really live, not in your head but outside. I think they'd die of shock. What a funny paradox that'd be. It is said that to be loved is to be changed. I think that proves the point I was trying to make earlier. Inherently saying I love you means You changed me. You made me different, and now here I am hoping that I had the same affect.
The last two months have taught me a lot about myself, it's weird I have to learn about myself in the first place, why don't I know these things? Was I so blind? Were they true before? I do not know. But what I learned is that I am still good. I still have the capacity to do whats right. I'm no lost cause. I am not useless, I am not garbage. I am human, and more normal and human than I realize. My instinct is to always be hard on myself, I must do more, I must try harder, I must be better. It's important when climbing a mountain to admire how far you did make it, because others are still at the fucking bottom. Idk, I've been unemployed so I've had way too much time to think, but I've also had time to learn what taking care of myself is like. Time alone can be an enemy and a friend, but I need to get the hell out of this house, I've started annotating a poetry book about this astrology from the middle east, I will walk to the lake by my house and just start writing in this book. It's incredible, I feel so much better after I do this. I do not know why. It just brings me peace. Unfortunately that peace is coming to an end. I got a job at a movie theatre I'm not too psyched about. Closing, shifts as late as 12:45, but unfortunately I'll need money to continue living and as we've covered previously that's something I'm interested in.
The one thing that keeps me going, the reliable source of true happiness I have as of late, Choly. It's going well, we hope to record a couple songs soon. We've started practicing with a click and I'm real excited. I can't wait to actually have something I can present people and be really proud of. Pride in my abilities is not something I'm used to, hell I don't really even think I'm that good. That's cus I have nothing to point to. But Having that physical (or I guess digital) copy I can give to someone and say here, I helped do this. That's MY drumming. I wrote them. Somehow. I'm excited what this year has in store, and I'm ready to roll with whatever punches come my way
I think I'm gonna block my dad's number
20th is in 12 days
The song of the week is Fuck Everybody Who Voted Tory by Oi Polloi
