And just like that the problems fade away. February ends and a new beginning reveals itself. Rescued from the dead end that is the theatre industry, I start anew as a curator of plants and flowers. It's kind of silly to call this my dream job. Everyone says my aspirations should be higher, I should reach for the stars! I don't want stars, if I wanted stars I'd have finished high school, gone to college. Became a nuclear physicist or something. No I'm good. All i've ever wanted is to be comfortable and satisfied. I don't need some high paying job blowing apart atoms just to test old dead white men's theories. A simple life is a life well lived, a simple man is a man uncorrupted, a simple world is a world where wars are not to be fought, and are instead talked out and adjourned with a hand shake and some kind words. This is all I've ever wanted. A band, a job at a flower shop, brothers and sisters who love me. A community, a place I can go and feel at home. It's all I've ever needed, all I've ever wanted! And this feeling inside. What is it? how can I explain? It feels like I've been given purpose. A reason, a why. For so long I've just been wandering around in the darkness flailing endlessly searching for a branch, a foothold, anything to grab onto and suddenly. You hit the bottom of the bottomless pit and look up to realize you can still see the top, and it wasn't bottomless at all, and it's not so far away. For so long I've felt useless and meaningless but this has given me meaning! I finally have something to show for myself! Something I'm proud of, something that makes me feel warm when I share it with others. It brings to mind one of my favorite lines from Rent
"The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation"
It's always been about creating something I could be proud of, something that expresses how I feel on the inside. It's why I write these, it's why I drum. The bible will tell you pride is a sin, just as it views lust, wrath, or gluttony. Lately it seems that damn book wants to demonize you just for being human,Well if pride is a demon you can call me beelzebub. I'm proud, proud of my Guitarist Trevor, proud of my bassist Jared, I'm proud of my friends for finding their calling. I'm proud of standing up for whats right, I'm proud of not bankrupting my morals in a society designed to sink you into so much moral debt that you can never feel clean again. I say to hell with jesus and god, the only worship I need is the creative process. I'll start blessing with the squeal of the guitar, the twang of the bass, and the holy beat, besides, fathers, sons, and spirits all disappear with time.
Choly had it's first proper studio recording session, and I almost started crying. To hear our passion and our music actualized like this. So much so that I can share it with others and they are equally as shocked and pleased as I with our sound. I'ts a feeling unlike any other. It really cemented that I'm on the right path, I'm not just wasting my life and lazing around doing fuckall. I'm applying myself in the only thing I've ever been fucking good at and it's actually paying off. I'm so excited for what this year could bring me! I can't wait to start at the flower shop, I can't wait to play infront of audiences again, I can't wait to release our music, but now a new lesson begins. Patience. I must wait, I will wait. Time has always been one of my greatest foes but it doesn't have to be so. Too many fall into the trap that time is a solid line on a graph, it's not so. Our perception can warp time, I'm sure you've felt such emotional time dilation, You're having a good time and hours fly by, but the same hours can feel impossibly long when you're working late and you're tired. It's foolish to call that a straight line. Time is a wavelength, time is immeasurable, time was here before us and time will be here long long after. Infinity cannot be straight. Infinity is a curve, a curve that feeds back into itself on a loop forever and ever. It spirals down into the third dimension in such a way that cuts the hands that try to grasp it. It's foolish to try and wrap your mind around something so impossibly long, instead you must ride it like a slide, down into the drain and when you circle it you find yourself back at the top. That is what time is, a cycle, one grain of sand in an spinning hourglass that has infinite grains of sand. And so I wait. I ride the slide, a bury myself in the sand. I allow the sun to bake my skin, age my face. Oh my face, how it ages. I'm proud of that too. Every scar, blemish, and rough patch around my edges, they are symbolic of a life lived. I'd hate to be preserved and forever young like some freak applying chemical creams to restrict my skin from it's natural processes. True beauty is found in looking at your face as it is and smiling. I may not look how I feel, I may not be happy with how I look, but all that is just fake. I don't need to look like anything. I just look. Man was not meant to see their reflection so often. Mirrors may be the most detrimental part of society. No you are meant to meet your reflection stooped in front of a river crisp and clean, because your throat is parched and you lean down and touch yourself. An act so beautiful and rare it happens in an instant, you see your eyes, you look into your own soul, and you touch hands with that beast that stares back.
And so it happened. My fears of never being satisfied, my pleas and begs were not on deaf ears. I was heard and I found it. Satisfaction in creation. I cannot wait to create more things. I have some doubts yes, some fears that need to be addressed, some uncertainties, but in truth, I haven't felt as happy as I am now in over a decade. I suppose it's worth mentioning I turned twenty. My birthday passed as any other, I'm just happy I shared it with those whom I love. It doesn't take much to please me in all honesty, to have it acknowledged and to see the effort in the gifts is enough. The fact I was even thought of in the process of purchasing said gifts is insane to me. I love all the gifts I received and I thank you all so very much and I wish I could express properly in the moment how much it meant to be given gifts but instead I freeze up and say something stupid. I apologize for my foolishness.
Well that about wraps things up in a bow doesn't it? New beginnings, many friends, and accomplishments, celebrations, all the good stuff. I have nothing to look forward to, but I don't need to look forward to anything anymore. I am happy to just be, and this feeling is new to me. I think I will annotate some poetry today, and make some tea. My final note. Do not think that because there is great tragedy in the world that you cannot enjoy your life. Fight the good fight, Stand up for what is right, but remember that soldiers who don't take breaks die. Take a break, spend time outside, Yes others may be suffering, but that doesn't mean you must spend every waking moment stressing about things outside of your control. Together we can change things, but if we all die from heart attacks at the ripe old ages of 22, we will change nothing. Have some tea, read a book, perhaps one about apartheid, take a deep breath, and take things one day at a time. Evil breaks you down over time, so take a break from all the evil so you can be reinvigorated when you hop back on the front lines.
The song of the week is Will by Sense Field
