So of course my father came up in therapy. Honestly I didn't want to talk about him that much but, you know therapists have a way of getting it out of you. Learning that he was emotionally immature isn't a shock, but learning with it that I am also Very emotionally immature.... also wasn't a shock. Of fucking course I am, I'm a goddamn mess. The more I learn about what emotional immaturity looks like, the more I see a mirror held up in front of my face. From a very young age I had always thought there was something horribly and irreversibly wrong with me, now I know why. Of course it was the way I was raised. I'm learning that it's not unusual to feel this way when growing up with 2 immature parents. The fact of the matter is there Is something wrong with me, and it's not some sort of original sin or inherent evil lurking in my veins. No I just had a shit childhood and no good role models for ages. I continue to not have good role models even now. What even constitutes a good role model? Nobody should be idolized like that, everyone fucks up sometimes and everyone screws over others sometimes and everyone gets the short end of the stick sometimes. It is inherently human to be flawed, and to be flawed is inherently human. The hard part now is looking back at all my relationships and seeing the exact pivotal points I fucked up, and not being able to go back and fix it. That's life I guess, besides I don't need those cunts anyways. Sure maybe I didn't vocalize my boundaries well enough, and didn't communicate when I was hurt or uncomfortable well enough, but they continued to take advantage of that. That isn't right. I made mistakes, but I am WORTHY of forgiveness because I'm trying to be better everyday, and that cannot be said for those who have wronged me, not that it matters, but at least I'm trying to fix myself, and heal, and ensure I NEVER make those mistakes again.
One of the last things a so called friend told me was that the journey I'm on is a long and lonely road, and I took that and internalized it, I thought well hell maybe I Deserve to do this by myself, but looking back now? I know better. It doesn't have to be a long and lonely road, I fucked up, sure, I guess that makes me morally reprehensible and undeserving of friendship in their eyes, but to be honest? A real friend recognizes that now would be the time I need the most support! Abandoning me now will do nothing for me in the future, maybe it's a selfish sentiment, but I'd be damned if the tables turned I'd wouldn't handle things the way they did. I know this because I have experienced it. I think back to stoney, how difficult it was to watch him flounder like that, knowing I could be in his shoes too, and then I was of course... in his proverbial shoes. But I tried to help him in the little ways I could. Unfortunately social pressures pushed me away from talking to him again, I wonder if he hates me for that. I have no way of knowing. But even he had friends to rely on. I have to rebuild from scratch, and so far it ain't going well, the few friends that stuck around? Yeah I drove em away. All I've got is my ex who does my hair, even the band I was playing with hasn't called upon me in a while. Something I have turned to is family. It's funny how I dismissed family so much, and thought I could never rely on them for anything but, au contraire, they're really pulling thru for me. My sister inviting me to go camping (even if plans fell through) and my other sister offering me space to play drums with her roommates. I helped her move yesterday, i never get to see that sister and it was nice to spend a day with her.
Even so, through all this, one thought plagues my mind. I still struggle with those horrible thoughts of self harm and suicide. Guilty weighs heavy on my mind like a ton of bricks suspended above me holding on by a string and at this point, it'd be easier to let the bricks crush me. What good have I brought this world anyways! I can't answer that, and at this point I think nobody can. I've done more harm than good, and it feels like I'd be better off gone. I just can't do it. And so the guilt sits over my head, building and compounding and adding to the pressure I feel. Everytime I think of my friends I want to cry. I miss them so much, and yet I know that it's not a feeling reciprocated by them, I'm almost sure they'd want me dead. That doesn't help with the ol endy lifey thoughts either.
Yikes, well on the bright side I think I accidentally applied for a loan today??? and tomorrow I'm attending the court date to have my name legally changed. If all goes according to plan, I will legally be Allie Gator Rojas! Very exciting, so I'll make sure not to kill myself till after that at least.
What is there left to say? I'm going through the motions of making a plant for a life that I no longer want, I spend most of my time alone or with my mother, and on the off chance I'm able to actually be around others I absolutely blow it. I feel insufferable, repulsive, and ugly (inside and out). I've got no one to turn to, if not for the therapist I've got, I'd probably have completely spiraled by now, and I can still feel the urge to do so tugging at me. I'm just so goddamn tired of this stupid charade of caring about anything, my soul is apathetic to everything nowadays. Nothing really matters anymore, and everything I could possibly do is so insignificant it's not worth doing. I've got nothing to look forward to, nobody to move in with, no possible course of action that doesn't cost a whole load of money I don't have. So here we are again, stagnation, stuck again, all I've ever been is stuck. Stuck in my old ways, stuck in the past, stuck in this cycle of guilt and self loathing. I need something different, I need help, and I'm getting help, but the help isn't helping like I hoped, honestly I feel just about as bad as before. I just know I'm worthy of forgiveness now, not that anyone wants to forgive me, or even I to forgive myself. God whats the point of even writing this stupid fucking blog anymore. Every new post is just Guilt and pain and suicidal ideation. Who's it even for? Does this really help me? I don't fucking know. I need to get a costco hot dog and try not to drive my car off a cliff.
I guess that's where this one ends? It's unsatisfying, but maybe I'll have more to say after therapy tomorrow.
Fuck.
