Summer has been wonderful to be honest. I went to my Gizz concert and had a lovely time, and met all sorts of people. I bonded with my bandmates, including Dale, who continues to perplex me to this day, we were real busy in July, lots of real good shows lined up , some went well, some were unsatisfactory, some were fine but as hypercritical musicians with daddy issues (yes all of us) we ruined it with our perception. My entire life plan opened up on shroom trip with some friends. Things keep falling into place for me which is concerning. Everytime things are going this well tragedy strikes. Things are going so well, too well. I live with this sense of impending doom looming over me, like I'm going to look up and see a nuclear warhead hurtling towards me, or that I will look to the sea and watch the waterline engulf all that I love and care for, or that maybe I will just drop dead tomorrow. Taken by an aneurysm, or hit by a bus, however it happens, I hope that I may die comfortable with my choices. If I die tomorrow this will not be so. This is my fear.
While tripping on mushrooms in the woods, I decided I would move in with my guitarist and their significant other. I will start by transferring to the issaquah REI, and then eventually quitting and working on the mushroom farm. I don't know when. but I hope it is soon. I'm excited to live in my own space and Really take ownership of it. Plus the people i'll be living with, to put simply, I love them. They are invaluable to me. I think this could be really good. The mushroom farm is a pay cut but it's good work that will be good for my tism brain, plus I'll wake up at the same time everyday. which would be lovely. On top of this we're gaining access to a practice space, shared with other bands of couse, but the bright side is that one of them is letting me use their kit for practice, which means I can keep my breakables (and any extras I want to use) either on sight or in my truck which would enable me to practice pretty much anytime, after work, late at night (24 hr access) etc. It really is a blessing, I'll be able to get back to that level I used to be at when I played every day. I miss that. My head was so much quieter then.
ISo i'll be living with at least one of my bandmates, and I'll be able to practice more. I will be independant, and able to really shape my craft. Forge my style in the furnaces of sweat blood and tears until I'm as good as I want to be. Lately a huge insecurity for me has been the drums unfortunately. I fear I'm far outclassed and outskilled by peers. They are all so talented and I can just barely keep up with the things they want me to write. I want so badly to do their riffs justice and provide the sound we need but lately I feel as though my drums fall short. I can't get the thought out of my head that they are uncreative and boring. Repetitive and bland. I can't do any cool shit at all to put it in layman's terms. No finger technique, or at least not enough, My chopping and riffing needs work. I need to incorporate more complex patterns. Involve the full set more. I'm so stagnant on the drums I need to be more dynamic. I'd just like to be good enough. I lash out sometimes when they ask me to do harder things, I think they think it's anger but it is fear. I know its just imposter syndrome or whatever you call it, but theres that voice that's screaming they're gonna find me out!!! They'll figure out I'm just bullshitting!!! But who isn't?? I don't know. I don't think it matters, but of course that doesn't change my fears at all. Admitting these insecurities helps me work through them, the more I keep them inside the more they eat away at my soul. I think I've been burning myself out again. I snapped at dale the other day, I feel terrible about it. Just another fear reaction. Dale is an enigma. Everything I learn about him is just another line of red string on the corkboard that is Dale. He's really wise, and most of the time right, though I hate to admit it. He just doesn't get how the other bandmates like to operate yet, that's okay this extra practice time will let us sort things out properly.
I feel myself maturing, coming out of my shell, growing into the person I'm meant to be. Recently I decided to go all-in, really push the Gator Identity. That's my name now. I want to be called Gator. Call me Gator. I think the amount of identity crises I've had could've been averted by simply picking a more androgynous name that is representative of my personality. I Identify with Gator more than I ever Identified with Kevin, or even Kev. It has helped me come out of my shell and meet so many new people and make connections I never ever would have without them. I have a horrible habit of passing on opportunities that could change my life. I'm done with that.
Okay I have to cut this short trevor and jones are here now.
The song of the week is Good Good Things by Descendents.
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