October.

    Sometimes I think about what would happen if my dad died tomorrow. Would I care, would I cry? Would I be mad at him. How dare he! Would I regret things I said or did? I doubt it. What would I tell people? would it be the truth? Would I make something up? Would I pretend I didn't care until I got over it and then gaslight myself into thinking I handled things well and got closure? Who knows. Hypotheticals are fun like that, You can guess all you want, make estimations, hypotheses, but there are always unknown variables. That'd be H, for human. That throws every equation out of wack because things you think you don't care about can always come back to you. That is what October has been like for me. I think mistakes are important, but the good thing about them is that the more you make, the better you are at making them less, unless you're me.  I've been sad for a little while now after I went on vacation. It was a nice vacation, tripped on the beach, drank, lived utopia for oh about 5 days. I don't know if experiencing such highs returning to regular life caused the lows, or if they just hit with timing. Who knows, maybe its that good 'ol seasonal depression I can always rely on to get me fucked up for no reason. I love the transitional seasons and the yare beautiful, but I'm cold blooded. I need sunlight to function.

    Sometimes I get into this train of thought that my worth is tethered to my body. It's the only thing that got me reliable positive attention for a real long time. I feel extra pressure to use it to appease others, it causes me to do things I may not always think about or want to. My inability to communicate this hurts people. It hurts me too. I don't know why I do things like this, they're horribly self destructive, but it's like something in my subconscious needs them. It wants me to feel dirty, used. Maybe to explain it all, give me something to hide behind. Something to point at when everyone says "Why the fuck are you like this?" A scapegoat. Or maybe my mommy didn't hug me enough when I was a kid or maybe my family didn't treat me the way a kid ought to treated. Who knows. My old therapist probably knows. I was supposed to find a new one ages ago. I haven't yet, I don't really know if it's having an affect on me because I make these posts, and that's really all I'd do to a therapist. Info dump about all the bad things that happened in my week or month or what have you, and then they'd give me a coping mechanism and tell me to focus on the positives.

That's why the music is so important. Just another little vent I can let the things I don't even tell this digital diary. I guess that makes the drums my diary too, or maybe Bethany. She holds my secrets, sure.  Who needs a therapist when you have a blog and a lesser known local band!

    So in the spirit of focusing on the positives. Me and the lads did some recording with another band. I don't wanna give anything away but I'm real excited. It was fun to get a little sample of what recording would be like before we actually just go and do it. I'm eager to record.  I want something I can point to when I say I'm in a band besides an instagram. I don't know why I'm so eager to prove myself, or to whom it'd be proving myself (tho I'm willing to venture a guess). I guess I don't feel like a real "musician" or percussionist I guess, Trev and Jared are pretty good at reassuring me, and telling me that I'm good. That no one choly's like I choly, but I always feel so replaceable. Imposter syndrome got me bad huh? I always have to prove myself. I guess that comes from feeling inadequate and burnt out and stuck in a cycle. Everything is a cycle. The world loops round and round, day to day, week to week, year to year, decade to decade, centuries, millennia, eons, etc. It just keeps going round in a spiral in on itself. Flowcharts to flowcharts that fold inwards on themselves. I try to break free, but it's impossible, you change something and there's just more flowcharts, "If, then:" sequences, Any semblance of control I have is orchestrated and by design to trick me into feeling like I have agency. I've changed a million things. Those who I surround myself with, my job, my life purpose, my goals. I've had epiphany after epiphany and with every passing day I am starting to worry more and more that the next epiphany is that I am the problem. I always have been, and all this work I've done to change has kept me more the same than ever. I've been trying to not think about all this existential crap, and  the meta analysis of every single fucking thing I do, just live in the moment because that's all you've got, but whenever I try It always ends up biting me in the ass. I'm just trying my best out here! But really, when has my best been good enough, to anyone? Do I need to try harder, or change different things? When will I like the way I am? Why can't I just be satisfied with myself. I Need to trust, trust that my river flows through all the flowcharts of the cycle in a unique way that nobody's done before. That my style and drumming isn't just garbage, but that there is quality and talent behind it. That I am not replaceable because I am ME and that's it. It's hard for me, I don't know why, but I've been getting better. I just fear of over correcting into having a big ego. Sometimes I wonder if that's what happens to all those famous people who are "known assholes" You're so scared you are nothing that you shove yourself so far up your own ass to hide from it all, and you end up liking it up there. I guess that's why they're assholes. 

    I was doomscrolling and this stupid trip sitter or trip spirit leader of some kind came across my page talking about ego death and some other bullshit, but he mentioned the easiest way to bring yourself back from an ego death freakout. He mentioned that the reason he thinks that people freak out during ego death is because when you lose the ability to tell where your body stops and the rest of the world begins (ego death I guess) you feel like you are dying, and you think about all the people who you never apologized to and you get scared. So he stole this Hawaiian phrase (or IDK maybe someone told him about it) Ho'oponopono, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. The video was stupid but that stuck with me.  I don't know what it is or why but I just keep thinking about it. I hope to be able to someday be vulnerable to say that to anybody, but I'm too bitch for it now. I also low key don't wanna just start saying an ancient Hawaiian phrase, that feels kinda messed up. I'll come up with something 

Hopefully my band can record soon.

Work has been real nice, I'm glad it's not something I have to worry about anymore.

I'm still very excited to move in with Trev and their sig. other. 

The song of the week  (or month) is Call the dogs out by The Garden