Better things

     I want to talk about better things.

    I went Camping recently, part of a trip to go see King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard at the gorge. It was a phenomenal experience. It brought to mind seeing them for the first time all those years ago in 2019. Seeing them in the paramount, I was new to gizz, barely dipped my toe into the discography. I think seeing them live really helped solidify my obsession with this band. I can't believe I heard the songs I did then, and couldn't appreciate them like I would now, but that's the art of it no? Of course they would play many songs I love now the first time I saw them, before I truly appreciated those songs. Perhaps that is why I love those songs so much. I remember hearing them play Work This Time and thinking "wow, this is the peak gizz experience" and having the same thought hearing Magenta Mountain live a couple years later, and then again hearing The River at Remlinger last year. This time around, the whole concert felt like that. I must admit it was clouded by some mushrooms I may or may not have ingested beforehand, but I can so clearly recall them starting Rattlesnake ( a fantastic opener for the gorge's desert environment) and looking out to my left (we were seated to the right of the stage to get a good view and have some space for ourselves) seeing the entire hill Packed with people. It looked like a living breathing forest of fleshy trees all grooving and swaying in the wind, but it was music that swayed them, not wind. Then looking down into the pit, seeing what looked like an ocean of people  all rushing around to the beat. The stark contrast of watching them play to a half empty crowd at the paramount to now seeing the gorge PACKED full of gizzers all equally as enthused to be seeing those 7 silly guys do some songs. I Really felt the closest to spirituality I'd ever felt in that moment. If there was a god, it was this, it was in the rhythm, it was the music, the connection, the people. It Was Us. We were all conjoined in that moment, the oneness was incredible. Everything about it was incredible. the massive canyon behind them, the huge moon overhead, the crowd, the stage, the lights. I left that venue feeling higher than when I was at the peak of my trip. From there, spending a week on beautiful mount rainier was Exactly the kind of escape I needed. Being out there, away from the hustle and bustle of cities and outside the grasp of capitalism, Unreachable, essentially off the grid for a little while. It reminds you that all of this, is man made. Nature is out there, continuing as it always has. Glaciers Rise and carve paths through the mountains that rivers flow through, bothering nearby beavers who create dams, and subsequently lakes by accident. The river flows down over a cliff into a basin and thru a valley into a Sea where it evaporates and comes back down as snow on top of a different glacier. That is the law of nature truly, that it Must continue. That is the Only law of nature. There are no taxes out there, there is no Insurance payments, no municipalities. You can't see the county lines, those are drawn on a map. All that we do from day to day, week to week, month to month, it was meaningless. Nature doesn't care if I skip work tomorrow, nature doesn't care if laws dictate what I can and Can't do. Nature cares not if I have insurance, or pay taxes, or if I'm properly investing in my Roth IRA or if I even have one of those. Nature Doesn't give a shit about the stock market, or the free market, or the flea market. Nature just wants us to continue. When you realize all that, upon your return to society, everything seems to matter less. Not matter per se, but the Urgency is gone. Tomorrow that mountain will still be there, the river will continue to flow, and the beavers will continue to be annoyed. The fish will swim upstream in a seemingly pointless effort because it was what they know to do. It will continue, as will I. Day by day, week by week, dare I say year after year? The moon spins round the Earth as it spins round the sun as it spins round our galaxy as it flies through space at 1.3 million MPH and at any moment we could collide with something, and be powerless to do anything, but until then I will move forward. My mood, my attitude has greatly improved. My mindset about everything is so much better. I'm glad I could come out of this with such a positive experience.

    Now I want to talk about betrayal. And what happens when you don't confront it immediately. It festers, it rots inside you, It curls your smile into a sneer, it grinds your teeth, it weighs on your stomach like a bottomless pit with a neutron star somewhere 60 miles deep. It nags in your brain and Poisons your every interaction with those who dared to stab you in the back. It makes you wonder if they know you know. It makes you imagine this chasam one thousand miles wide between you and them. It drains you of sympathy, it causes you to resent those who you once loved and cared for like family. I have been betrayed far too much in the last few months, and it has made me weary of others, but I am choosing to move forward like a fucking adult. I am still yet to confront many of my judases and brutuses, because confrontation is difficult to me, and I wish people would just Fess the fuck up and get on with it instead of drawing things out like a claw slowly scraping down my back. I like to think I'm mature enough and understanding enough that people can be real with me, I guess not. If there's a bandaid you need to rip off, and you are hesitating, that act is far crueler than simply ripping it off. Wounds need to be exposed to heal, and I can only hope that I drum up the guts to dish up a succinct plate of disappointment and serve it, room temperature, as all disappointment is. Thats the real truth, I wouldn't be that angry, if you'd just tell me. If you're reading this, just tell me. Originally I had delayed so long because I didn't want to be so angry, I know sometimes my emotions can get the better of me, and that causes more problems than it solves. I want to be the bigger person and say "Hey, I know what you're going to say" But to bring it up after so long feels so weird. I know it's the correct and mature thing to do, but it feels like there's never a good time to do it unless I want to send them a wall of text comparable to this one.

    Just get it over with, bitch. You are lucky I have offered you the pleasantries I have offered you, I'm even ready to forgive and move on, but I can't. Not until you say it.

These new developments have me rethinking a lot of where my energy is spent, and who I'm willing to put it into. I'm done putting work into people who take me for granted. I'm sick of it. Because now I know how it feels to really be appreciated, I don't need your sick twisted little droplets of thank yous and halfhearted consideration. Tread carefully, or you could end up shooting yourself in the foot and losing me. Then where will you be. Where you've always been. I'll be over here, in the land of realistic expectations and effort and determination, enjoy your fucking lala land.

Whew, that felt nice to get off my chest after months of pent up rage. To be honest, I probably don't mean all that, this is what I mean when I say my emotions get the best of me. I'm much more forgiving in reality but, that's also why I'm saying it here, and not directing it at any one person but  rather addressing bits and pieces of each wound throughout. Feel singled out by it? Maybe you've got something to say to me then.

    At least this has taught me to trust my instincts. My gut has been warning me about these things, but I wanted to give those I love the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, that's something it seems I can't afford to do as much in the future, I just hope that I'm done being bitter. I hate being bitter.

And finally, I just want to say that it's nice to date someone who checks me, who I can have mature conversations with, it's nice to be with someone who I can relate to, and who I feel really gets me in  way I haven't felt in a long, long time. A feeling I've been chasing for a while. It's really really nice to be here again. I want someone who doesn't let me get away with the shitty things I do and say, who reminds me to filter myself even if just a little bit, and who's there to be the voice of reason when my mind says that it's selfish to put myself first, that it's My duty to shoulder the burden for others. Who treats me right, listens when I talk, and who writes sweet letters that bring a tear to my eye. For that, I thank you Max, from the bottom of my heart. Days with you feel like centuries and yet they fly by like seconds ticking on a clock. I would stay up all night just to be present with you for a little longer, I would walk the day's journey to you if it was the only way I could see you again. Thankfully, I'll be seeing you this weekend (hopefully) so that won't be necessary. 

I will write to you all (the 6 of you that actually read these) again soon

The song for this one is Violence is all the Rage by Schoolyard Heroes. 

Don't Read This One

 I'm going to preface this post with some things.

1. I am OK, mentally and physically.

2. I have delayed writing blog posts for a whole bunch of Reasons I will get to later, but I plan on bringing the blog back.

3. This post may deal with some more serious subjects that may or may not be the reason I hesitated posting for so long, things like suicide and self harm, If that may be upsetting to you, skip this one.

Hello again, I've missed you, did you miss me? I'm sure you did. My summer was Eventful, and I don't know how much of it I'll be able to get to in this post, but it's going to inevitably get dark so I figured I'd start with some positives. I finally feel like I'm truly on an upswing now, I've got a boyfriend whom I care for a great deal, I've got a stronger connection with Both my bands, and I'm beginning to enjoy my job again and get into a good work/life balance and a nice flow at work. I'm going to see King Gizz at the gorge soon and I'm greatly looking forward to that and the camping that will follow. Many good things happened this summer and I do want to acknowledge that, Many friendships were strengthened, I've had personal breakthroughs, I'm learning how to budget properly and I spent lots of time in the sun just soaking it up, and yet at every turn when things seemed to be going well, Something would happen. Something that seemed to be the end of the world but ended up just being another bend in the river I'm floating down. The truth is, I've hesitated writing up a blog post like this for some pretty stupid reasons, These posts are for ME. I allow you all to read them but in all honesty It's to help me reflect on my life and get in touch with how I'm feeling, and when all I'm feeling is bad, I don't like writing these. I didn't want to spit out a spiteful post about betrayal and pain and anguish, I didn't want to drone on and on about how depressed I was, How low I got, how bad I felt.

The Truth is... I wanted to die again, for the first time in a long time. I got really really low in mid july and august, Some interpersonal relationships got unnecessarily complicated and that upset me, my truck shat the bed and I had to fix it myself which upset me, My band Shattered Jaw's first show was kind of a clusterfuck and I was under a great amount of stress (mentally and monetarily) as our generator got stolen and I paid a good amount of money to replace it. (not the full price I should note, many people pooled money together to make it happen). At each turn I just kept saying "This can't get worse" and then I would have to eat those words. I could feel it. My hope, my willpower slipping away bit by bit. Imagine if you will a statue full of blank ink, encased in a thin layer of stone. Stone that had bit built up slowly over time. That took many stone masons and carvers days upon weeks upon years to create. Then a bird lands on this horrific fucked up statue and starts pecking at the stone. One bird is not enough to break through but.... another bird lands and starts pecking as well, almost as if he was friends with the first bird and felt that he'd be lonely. Well two birds sure looks like a great place for a third bird to land and peck. And then another would fly by and take note, and more and more, before you know it an entire flock has landed on this statue. Building nests, taking unnecessary bird shits on the statue, having weird noisy bird sex, dying even, but all the while pecking.... peck peck peck.... until the stone starts to crack, and the ink starts seeping through. That's kind of what July felt like for me. The metaphor kinda got away from me there but, you get what I mean. I was under so much pressure (that may or may not have been created by none other than me) So much stress, so much anger, confusion, I started to crack.

I haven't spoken much about what portland was like for me on here, but that's mainly because I can hardly remember it. I was high perhaps the entire time because I felt so isolated and hopeless. I would cry every night because I felt so lost. I truly thought I'd never feel like that again and yet.... July was the closest I've gotten since. So much pain in my heart, I felt like the world was on my shoulders and I was unable to keep up. I kept thinking surely things will start to turn around now! And they wouldn't. And I would tilt my head back, throw my hands to the sky and scream to the universe "What did I do?" I felt I was being punished, I was paying dues, a penance for some cosmic crime I committed. I started to wonder, if the universe wants to punish me, maybe I deserve it. That led down a dark and winding road in my mind that I don't quite enjoy. It's funny how suicidal ideation creeps in. Almost a whisper at first, none of this would matter anymore if you were dead. Once I had that thought it became almost intrusive. Bad things would happen and my brain would say "You should just kill yourself" I started to feel like nothing I did mattered, or had any effect on anything in the long run. I justified these thoughts with a more existential "Well the world's just going to end anyways, does any of this matter in the long run?" It got to be an all to common consideration. I started tying nooses out of the ribbons we use to mark plants at work. "Just to pass the time" I told myself, but I think it was also a reminder, that I could. 

These thoughts would continue. I tried everything that usually works to cheer me up, spending time in nature, seeing my loved ones, hell even drowning my emotions in work, being so busy that I didn't have time to consider killing myself, which just ended up burning me out. Not a great mix of emotions. The unfortunate part is that there is no epiphany moment where I watched the sun rise on a sunday morning and saw the point of life and decided No I wont kill myself! There was no huge breakthrough or intervention or anything like that, no the fact is when you're down in a pit like that, there's one person who can help you Every single time and that's yourself. You take a long hard look in that mirror and you come to terms with it. Something that really resonated with me is this notion. Get over it or die. There is no toying with the idea of suicide. You do it or you move on and you Live. It's not a great way to pull yourself out but it works for me, I think it stems from this Bruce Lee story my mom used to tell me, I wont bore you with the details but basically he was running laps with some guy, the guy wanted to quit and Bruce Lee got frustrated and said "well then why don't you just die?"
 The guy got pissed off and ran more laps. Pretty much you take it to the extreme, and you look in your soul and your heart and you ask yourself. Are you really going to give up? And you do that everyday. Every morning you take a pulse and you feel that heartbeat and you say "well I'm still alive, better keep living" It's not a magical moment on a hillside basked in the light of the full moon realising the beauty of the world around you that stops you from doing it, its a constant battle. You get up and you fight like hell every day and you bite and you kick and you say "I want to LIVE" and then you fucking prove it. That's what really did it for me. I wasn't ready to give up yet, so I didn't. It was hard. There were times where I did feel like just giving in, I partook in more risky behaviour. I acted like I didn't care what happened to me because I felt that I didn't. I figured if I died in an accident or something, that's what I wanted anyways right? Wrong. It took fighting tooth and nail every day, fighting those intrusive thoughts that told me I was worthless and better off dead, it took a network of supportive friends and feeling loved and a community to bring me back from the edge. It wasn't easy. It doesn't get easier. You just get better at it.

    I know setbacks like this happen. Fighting depression has ups and downs, it's an everyday thing, but I never thought I could get that bad again. It scares me, not much scares me anymore. I don't really know how to end this one, because it doesn't have a happy ending per se. I don't want to die anymore. Things are going much better for me, I've found lots of things in the recent days very motivating. I think the big thing that really solidified my will returning was Jack Stauber to be honest.

He says the quiet part out loud in such a profound way in the song "Dinner Isn't Over", the dinner in question being a metaphor for life. In it he uses Death as Dessert. He says "I tasted dying and it tasted good" but that's dessert, and dinner isn't over. You've got a whole delicious meal to eat in front of you, why jump to dessert? You'll get there anyways, no need to rush things. You can paddle towards the waterfall that sits at the end of the river, you can have your ice cream, you can, but why waste it? You've got a lovely river to flow down, enjoy it while you still can, because you only get one. Life is beautiful unfortunately, because it sucks so bad as well. But that's the point, you can't have dinner without eating those vegetables you so hate (for me, broccoli and cauliflower)  The river will have white rapids that rock your raft and cause you discomfort but that's part of it! How can you enjoy the calm stillness of a lazy river without the rapids? How can you taste the intricate Umami of your salmon fillet without the greens there to balance the palette? Life isn't good, life isn't bad. It just is. Life Is. You need the whole thing to enjoy it. Don't waste it, dessert is so much sweeter after finishing your vegetables no? 

If I've scared you by now, you may think to check in on me, ask how I'm doing, if I need anything, how can you help, and so on. I ask of you only this, Check in on someone who needs it Now. I needed it before, A part of me wants to be spiteful and say "where was this 3 weeks ago!" But you aren't psychic, that's not your job. Check in on someone you're worried about. Tell them you worry about them. It's scary to hear that, but maybe, just maybe you could make a difference for them. A helping hand and a seat at your table means more than you think. Talk to someone you are worried about because I am okay now, but many are not. Many are fighting their battles. Many are in their rapids, many are covered in birds and they feel the stone starting to crack. I don't need your help anymore, but someone out there does, so if you feel so moved, reach out an olive branch, see what you can do.

I was so worried about writing this post because I didn't want to sound bitter. or angry. I may have been bitter and angry before but I'm moving passed it. 

I'm finding peace in every moment and a piece of my heart in every day. 

My hope is coming back, and in a way I feel my Will never left.

I leave you with a song, "Sea of Trees" By King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard.