Don't Read This One

 I'm going to preface this post with some things.

1. I am OK, mentally and physically.

2. I have delayed writing blog posts for a whole bunch of Reasons I will get to later, but I plan on bringing the blog back.

3. This post may deal with some more serious subjects that may or may not be the reason I hesitated posting for so long, things like suicide and self harm, If that may be upsetting to you, skip this one.

Hello again, I've missed you, did you miss me? I'm sure you did. My summer was Eventful, and I don't know how much of it I'll be able to get to in this post, but it's going to inevitably get dark so I figured I'd start with some positives. I finally feel like I'm truly on an upswing now, I've got a boyfriend whom I care for a great deal, I've got a stronger connection with Both my bands, and I'm beginning to enjoy my job again and get into a good work/life balance and a nice flow at work. I'm going to see King Gizz at the gorge soon and I'm greatly looking forward to that and the camping that will follow. Many good things happened this summer and I do want to acknowledge that, Many friendships were strengthened, I've had personal breakthroughs, I'm learning how to budget properly and I spent lots of time in the sun just soaking it up, and yet at every turn when things seemed to be going well, Something would happen. Something that seemed to be the end of the world but ended up just being another bend in the river I'm floating down. The truth is, I've hesitated writing up a blog post like this for some pretty stupid reasons, These posts are for ME. I allow you all to read them but in all honesty It's to help me reflect on my life and get in touch with how I'm feeling, and when all I'm feeling is bad, I don't like writing these. I didn't want to spit out a spiteful post about betrayal and pain and anguish, I didn't want to drone on and on about how depressed I was, How low I got, how bad I felt.

The Truth is... I wanted to die again, for the first time in a long time. I got really really low in mid july and august, Some interpersonal relationships got unnecessarily complicated and that upset me, my truck shat the bed and I had to fix it myself which upset me, My band Shattered Jaw's first show was kind of a clusterfuck and I was under a great amount of stress (mentally and monetarily) as our generator got stolen and I paid a good amount of money to replace it. (not the full price I should note, many people pooled money together to make it happen). At each turn I just kept saying "This can't get worse" and then I would have to eat those words. I could feel it. My hope, my willpower slipping away bit by bit. Imagine if you will a statue full of blank ink, encased in a thin layer of stone. Stone that had bit built up slowly over time. That took many stone masons and carvers days upon weeks upon years to create. Then a bird lands on this horrific fucked up statue and starts pecking at the stone. One bird is not enough to break through but.... another bird lands and starts pecking as well, almost as if he was friends with the first bird and felt that he'd be lonely. Well two birds sure looks like a great place for a third bird to land and peck. And then another would fly by and take note, and more and more, before you know it an entire flock has landed on this statue. Building nests, taking unnecessary bird shits on the statue, having weird noisy bird sex, dying even, but all the while pecking.... peck peck peck.... until the stone starts to crack, and the ink starts seeping through. That's kind of what July felt like for me. The metaphor kinda got away from me there but, you get what I mean. I was under so much pressure (that may or may not have been created by none other than me) So much stress, so much anger, confusion, I started to crack.

I haven't spoken much about what portland was like for me on here, but that's mainly because I can hardly remember it. I was high perhaps the entire time because I felt so isolated and hopeless. I would cry every night because I felt so lost. I truly thought I'd never feel like that again and yet.... July was the closest I've gotten since. So much pain in my heart, I felt like the world was on my shoulders and I was unable to keep up. I kept thinking surely things will start to turn around now! And they wouldn't. And I would tilt my head back, throw my hands to the sky and scream to the universe "What did I do?" I felt I was being punished, I was paying dues, a penance for some cosmic crime I committed. I started to wonder, if the universe wants to punish me, maybe I deserve it. That led down a dark and winding road in my mind that I don't quite enjoy. It's funny how suicidal ideation creeps in. Almost a whisper at first, none of this would matter anymore if you were dead. Once I had that thought it became almost intrusive. Bad things would happen and my brain would say "You should just kill yourself" I started to feel like nothing I did mattered, or had any effect on anything in the long run. I justified these thoughts with a more existential "Well the world's just going to end anyways, does any of this matter in the long run?" It got to be an all to common consideration. I started tying nooses out of the ribbons we use to mark plants at work. "Just to pass the time" I told myself, but I think it was also a reminder, that I could. 

These thoughts would continue. I tried everything that usually works to cheer me up, spending time in nature, seeing my loved ones, hell even drowning my emotions in work, being so busy that I didn't have time to consider killing myself, which just ended up burning me out. Not a great mix of emotions. The unfortunate part is that there is no epiphany moment where I watched the sun rise on a sunday morning and saw the point of life and decided No I wont kill myself! There was no huge breakthrough or intervention or anything like that, no the fact is when you're down in a pit like that, there's one person who can help you Every single time and that's yourself. You take a long hard look in that mirror and you come to terms with it. Something that really resonated with me is this notion. Get over it or die. There is no toying with the idea of suicide. You do it or you move on and you Live. It's not a great way to pull yourself out but it works for me, I think it stems from this Bruce Lee story my mom used to tell me, I wont bore you with the details but basically he was running laps with some guy, the guy wanted to quit and Bruce Lee got frustrated and said "well then why don't you just die?"
 The guy got pissed off and ran more laps. Pretty much you take it to the extreme, and you look in your soul and your heart and you ask yourself. Are you really going to give up? And you do that everyday. Every morning you take a pulse and you feel that heartbeat and you say "well I'm still alive, better keep living" It's not a magical moment on a hillside basked in the light of the full moon realising the beauty of the world around you that stops you from doing it, its a constant battle. You get up and you fight like hell every day and you bite and you kick and you say "I want to LIVE" and then you fucking prove it. That's what really did it for me. I wasn't ready to give up yet, so I didn't. It was hard. There were times where I did feel like just giving in, I partook in more risky behaviour. I acted like I didn't care what happened to me because I felt that I didn't. I figured if I died in an accident or something, that's what I wanted anyways right? Wrong. It took fighting tooth and nail every day, fighting those intrusive thoughts that told me I was worthless and better off dead, it took a network of supportive friends and feeling loved and a community to bring me back from the edge. It wasn't easy. It doesn't get easier. You just get better at it.

    I know setbacks like this happen. Fighting depression has ups and downs, it's an everyday thing, but I never thought I could get that bad again. It scares me, not much scares me anymore. I don't really know how to end this one, because it doesn't have a happy ending per se. I don't want to die anymore. Things are going much better for me, I've found lots of things in the recent days very motivating. I think the big thing that really solidified my will returning was Jack Stauber to be honest.

He says the quiet part out loud in such a profound way in the song "Dinner Isn't Over", the dinner in question being a metaphor for life. In it he uses Death as Dessert. He says "I tasted dying and it tasted good" but that's dessert, and dinner isn't over. You've got a whole delicious meal to eat in front of you, why jump to dessert? You'll get there anyways, no need to rush things. You can paddle towards the waterfall that sits at the end of the river, you can have your ice cream, you can, but why waste it? You've got a lovely river to flow down, enjoy it while you still can, because you only get one. Life is beautiful unfortunately, because it sucks so bad as well. But that's the point, you can't have dinner without eating those vegetables you so hate (for me, broccoli and cauliflower)  The river will have white rapids that rock your raft and cause you discomfort but that's part of it! How can you enjoy the calm stillness of a lazy river without the rapids? How can you taste the intricate Umami of your salmon fillet without the greens there to balance the palette? Life isn't good, life isn't bad. It just is. Life Is. You need the whole thing to enjoy it. Don't waste it, dessert is so much sweeter after finishing your vegetables no? 

If I've scared you by now, you may think to check in on me, ask how I'm doing, if I need anything, how can you help, and so on. I ask of you only this, Check in on someone who needs it Now. I needed it before, A part of me wants to be spiteful and say "where was this 3 weeks ago!" But you aren't psychic, that's not your job. Check in on someone you're worried about. Tell them you worry about them. It's scary to hear that, but maybe, just maybe you could make a difference for them. A helping hand and a seat at your table means more than you think. Talk to someone you are worried about because I am okay now, but many are not. Many are fighting their battles. Many are in their rapids, many are covered in birds and they feel the stone starting to crack. I don't need your help anymore, but someone out there does, so if you feel so moved, reach out an olive branch, see what you can do.

I was so worried about writing this post because I didn't want to sound bitter. or angry. I may have been bitter and angry before but I'm moving passed it. 

I'm finding peace in every moment and a piece of my heart in every day. 

My hope is coming back, and in a way I feel my Will never left.

I leave you with a song, "Sea of Trees" By King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard.