Worse things Actually

     Nobody is going to read this, or see it, or care honestly. My name has been dragged through the mud (rightfully so) and my reputation has gone down the shitter. Everything I had built up, friendships, relationships, connections, bands. All gone. Because I was an idiot. A selfish prick with low regard for myself and even lower for others. My charade is done and everyone can see me for who  I really am. I always knew I was horrible, and now it seems everyone agrees. They're disappointed because I was so good at hiding it, hiding behind the image of someone who cares and does what's right because that's who I wanted to be. But who I want to be and who I really am are different. I am flawed. Deeply flawed. I have done unforgivable things when I didn't know any better. I have made mistakes, bad ones, and they've finally come back to bite me. Because of it, I got dumped over christmas, kicked out of my band, and lost all my friends.

Starting from scratch, again. 

How many times has it been now? 3? 4? who knows.

    In the past I tried to reinvent myself each time, become someone new, someone better. It seems all that work doesn't matter. No matter how much I improve myself now, it can't wash out the things I've done. The worst part is that I always knew this would happen, I just didn't think it'd happen like that. I thought if I tried to change hard enough and did enough good it would balance out. That isn't how it works. Now I'm left alone again. That's all I've ever feared really, being alone. I think it's because I can't stand myself, so I have to surround myself with others so they have to deal with me instead of me having to do it. Or maybe its the thoughts, when I'm by myself there's only so much I can do to drown out the constant worrying, or the other voice that's constantly telling me I'm worthless and should just off myself to get it over with. It'll happen out of nowhere. I stub my toe and "you should just kill yourself" or I make a small mistake and "what kind of person does that? just die idiot." Like yeah thanks dude I get it. I don't think anyone hates me more than I do, even now. I hate myself because I know  I can do better, but I don't. I hate myself because of the things I've done before that I know are wrong Now, but I learned that all too late. It's easy to say in retrospect that something is wrong, but when it's all you know and all you've been surrounded by for years, you think it's normal. And you do bad stuff, and hurt people. Like I did.

    Nobody really tells you what to do after you fuck up this bad. There isn't a clear course of action. I'm in therapy now, hoping I can figure out what the hell is actually wrong with me. I'm staying away from those that I hurt, I'm trying to do the right thing and not hurt anyone else, but people talk. I'm sure plenty of people know what I did now, and will absolutely wreck my shit on sight. I think I'd just let them. I'll take it, I deserve it. Maybe they'll fuck my grill up so bad I'll be unrecognizable. I already don't know who looks back at me when I look in the mirror. I hate mirrors.

I want to say I'm sorry, but sorry don't really cut it in this case. I don't know what will. I don't think there's coming back from this kind of thing. Maybe I'll move up into the mountains and become a recluse, or descend into a life of crime and end up in prison. Maybe I'll leave the country and waste away on the beachside with a half empty beer in my hand. I guess in a way, I could go on to do anything, but there's always the fear that people will find out what I did. It seems that no matter how much time passes, the consequences are always the same. You get excommunicated. The deepest darkest skeletons in my closet got hung out for all to see, my Big worst regrets. The things that I would absolutely undo if I could travel through time. I wonder how anyone else would feel if the same happened to them. I think about that alot. I know other people have deep dark secrets, everyone has one, none of us are saints. How would you react if they were aired out. Would you ostracize that person, ask what they were thinking when they did that? would you just cut them off? The state of things today is so weird. There isn't any room for forgiveness (not that I'm saying I deserve it) You fuck up and you're done. But I've grown so much personally, I've changed so much since I did what I did. I guess it doesn't matter. Consequences are Consequences and I deserve to face them. I just miss my friends, I miss what I had before, but I can't go back. That's not how these things work. There is no back, only forward. There is only Be Better and Do Better, Prove that you are the person you want to be, and If you can't, Work on yourself till you get there. 

The truth is, I think I'm sick. Sick in the head in a really weird way. I'm hoping the counseling will help since I'm not lying this time around like I did before. I keep trying to view this as a positive thing. Cutting the assholes who used me for a place to stay and get drunk out of my life, Focusing on myself so that I may improve and make connections with people who care and love me for me. But I had all that, and it was taken away from me. So what am I to do now. Try again? what's to stop the same thing from happening again. I don't know

Maybe I just need to have faith.

Faith to me is fleeting, everything good I touch leaves me. Everything I want and need is taken away. Everything that makes me happy gets corrupted and ruined by me. I have to be the problem. There's no other explanation. Which means I need to change myself. Which I am doing, or trying to. People keep telling me things will get better with time. I wish I believed them.

For now all I can do is take things one day at a time and try not to blow my brains out in the process. We'll see how that goes.