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Tuesday, January 25, 2022

First day and other ordeals.

     

    Goodmorning! sorry about the late post, I was exhausted last night and writing a blog post entirely slipped my mind. I think I've finally reached status quo. I have found the perfect balance of productivity and relaxation My first shift at Jamba Juice was fucking exhausting. I had to sit through 4 and a half hours of training videos in a cold ass fucking store in which there were no experienced people to train me. The stress i felt that day was unlike anything I've felt before, which is saying a lot. I've felt life threatening stress, danger stress, fear stress, the stress of losing something and not being able to find it, the dread of something on the horizon that I'm not looking forward to. This was.... different to say the least. It was draining, exhausting, clock-in clock-out, corporate sludge in the form of a smoothie invented by some asshole in California who's idea of healthy is a mixture of vitamins and minerals potent enough to subdue and possible euthanize 8 horses. That being said, I don't work for that asshole, I work for and with good people, who are trying their best in a world that is constantly smacking them down at every turn. I can tell this business is going downhill. Our management   (2 guys spread across 8 stores) is overworked and they don't like eachother, it doesn't help that it seems they have an issue with new hires flaking out. I can't deny the urge to not show up tomorrow is great, but I've seen what it's like for them, and I just can't do that. I hope my manager takes care of himself this Sunday, it's his first day off since January fucking 3rd. I can sort of understand how that feels, although I wasn't managing 4 jamba juices, I was just selling ham at a counter for 2 weeks straight.

    After I got home from work, I felt so drained I just stayed in bed for an hour. It wasn't until my mom started getting ready to go out that I went to go hang out with her in the bathroom while she did her makeup. I actually wanna thank anyone who's reading this and gave her compliments, my dad did a number on her self esteem, and so she doesn't really feel great about how she looks, but with the new haircut and all the compliments, I think we're starting to repair the damage. Course some of that has to come from the inside, but it's a journey we're all on and I'm happy to help her along. I think mine and her relationship is getting way better. We are getting better at trusting eachother and getting along. Last night I talked to her for what must have been the longest 2 hours for her. I just talked her ear off about the cold war and the CIA because it's one of my hyperfixations so I know way too much about that stuff, but here's the cool part! She does too!!! She watches a lot of documentaries about the CIA, the Cold War, and WWII. Her father was a diehard communist so she's pretty radicalized and we agree on a lot of stuff, however she has some anti-vax ideologies that I don't love. It's fine though, she's getting better.

    The band is doing good, we're gonna start taping our practices so my guitarist gets used to being on camera because he wants to make short films. I'm very happy with this, like unbelievably so. I can't believe my favorite two mediums are mixing and the people involved are good people. Anarchists, punks like me. Like me...? Having an identity is so hard, on one end of things I want to be a do-no-harm-leave-only-smiling-faces hippy, but how can I do no harm when doing no harm gets nowhere. I wonder, would a hippy kill a nazi? I would, does that make me not a hippy? On the flipside, am I even a punk? Do I fit into any preset subgenres of people? Does it matter? Afterall, they're all make believe. Entirely made up, everything is. The rules of society, "gender norms", the concept of gender as a whole! All of it is made up. I think that I am a punk, I'm a hippy and a punk and a bastard and a moron and a boy and a girl and alive and dead and everything real and nothing is! These words mean nothing, and yet saying them makes me feel better. I am a rat! I am a congealed orb! I am slime! I am scum! I am all of these things and none of them. I am Chekhov's gun! I am Schrodinger's cat! I am string theory and stardust and nuclear radiation! I am me, and that's enough.

The song of the week is 7 Minutes In Heaven by Fall Out Boy

See y'all next week.

Monday, January 17, 2022

New job!

     

    I had a pretty good week, I think.

    Yesterday I went out with my bestest friend for sandwiches, and then partied with my other bestest friends, I got a job at Jamba Juice, I start Saturday.  Nothing else very interesting happened. I do think I should evaluate my reaction to when people are upset with me, and maybe ask myself why I always freak out and start crying the minute they change tone. I probably should figure out why I do that, which means talking to a therapist, which means finding a new therapist. That's something that can wait just a little while longer so I can get some of my other shit together.


    I also wonder if I should start working on my shirts again, I have a lot of free time and basically 2 pending orders I could work on but... the pressure I feel to succeed and make good art is immense. I know that's not the point of it, and I have a few ideas of a new style I could use. Maybe one of my next paychecks could go to paint and some new brushes... still there's that pressure. Maybe the trick is to just get high and do it and not think about it. Once I start doing it again I'll remember how much fun it is and I'll probably get back into it, but for now I think this goal may be a month or 2 away, depending on what the pay from Jamba is like.

    I wanna see my band again and play with them, they're cool people and I think we sound good together. It sucks that they're so far away, but it's okay because now that I have a source of income I can simply pay for gas and stuff. It just sucks that I have to wait until I get paid. I hate money, I hate capitalism. I hate that I can't not spend money, I've already budget out like my next 2 paychecks and I don't even know how much they're gonna be! 

    In other news my mom is kind of bothering me by refusing to believe I might be a little autistic. As if my sister isn't confirmed autistic, as if I don't have a shit ton of the markers. I literally explained to her the other day that there were some days where my sense are simply too much and why I get so irritable when I'm experiencing a Bad Texture or something like that. It's okay, it's because she's also incredibly autistic and so she thinks the things we do are normal. She won't believe me when I tell her it's not, or maybe she doesn't want to, either way I want to try and get a diagnosis, whether she lets me or not.


    I've been thinking about relationships lately. Do I want one? Can I handle one? Am I ready? It''s been almost a year since I broke up with my ex. I feel like that's enough time. I did some critical thinking about my past relationship not too long ago, and I think I finally figured out what happened on my end. I think I might have been projecting a lot of my daddy issues onto her, and I don't think she deserved that. Of course, the reason I did this is because of how she treated me, which is why we broke up in the first place. Nevertheless, I have forgiven her for that, and the other things. I suppose I don't have to seek a relationship out to start one, I can let it come to me. This mentality has been coming up a lot recently, following the flow, letting things come my way, taking opportunities as I see them without worrying whether it will turn out well or not. I have been having a lot more of my weird deja vu daydream things recently... someone told me that means I'm on the right track. I suppose that's comforting, that whatever I'm doing right now, is working.

I want to dye my hair soon.

Valentines day is drawing uncomfortably near, however its followed up by my birthday, which I am excited for.

The song of the week is Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet


Monday, January 10, 2022

New Drums, Covid, and other troubles.

     

       So much has happened this week, I almost forgot it was Monday. Sorry about the late post.


    My mom got Covid, which was scary. It made me realize somethings. Firstly, how important food is to me, secondly, how much I hate the texture of chewed food. I was absolutely terrified that I would lose my taste, because I simply cannot handle the texture of chewed food, I probably couldn't eat if not for the taste. That being said, I love eating, and spend a lot of my time on this Earth eating. I am a very hungry lad. Luckily I didn't get Covid. Had to stand in a line for a really long time today to get tested, but it came back negative. All I need is for my mom to STAY in BED, which she vehemently refuses because the doctor told her after 7 days she can leave her room with a mask on IF SHE NEEDS TO, and so she does, often. Im trying to stay as safe as I can, but she's making it difficult for me. She also keeps throwing these loaded anti-vax questions at me even tho she's already vaccinated!!! She just expects me to have all the answers to her questions and sometimes I do, often I don't. Its frustrating, but its okay. She is my mom after all. I should give her a little credit though, she usually stops if I call her out and won't do it again for a while. I think she genuinely forgets she's sick?

    Speaking of, she bought me a live drumset! I spent a good amount of this weekend setting it up, and then crying, and then setting it up some more, and then more crying. It was a lovely back and forth. I had a bit of a mental break and/or depersonalization moment. I didn't know how to tune my drums, and because of that I spiraled into an identity crisis because what kind of drummer can't tune up? It didn't help that every single online source I found said something different. Regardless, I got some help and now my shit sounds fire. During my mental breakdown I spiraled very quickly. It sort of frightened me after the fact how quickly downhill I went. I couldn't find a necessary tool (it was in a secret pocket in the pants I was wearing that I forgot existed) and I went fucking insane tearing up my room looking for it... well okay it isn't torn up and actually I sort of cleaned it but I was not in a good state mentally. There was a moment where I was just laying in my bed and all the bad things that were happening to me sort of... converged into this weird mix of terrible awful feelings and intrusive thoughts. They were so loud I couldn't hear my therapy voice anymore. So so loud. I cried. Very hard. I wailed into my pillow. I sounded like a banshee. I'm an ugly crier, I can usually hold in my cries (thanks dad) but sometimes a tear or to will come out. However if I'm upset enough to audibly cry? It is awful. Like if a mountain lion and a fox tried to bang and as a result both of the animals exploded. After I had a good long cry (I don't know how long it was, but it was certainly longer than most) I found the tool (and mercilessly berated myself for being so stupid) and everything turned around very suddenly. It's strange how quickly my mood can shift, and how easily it can be affected by my environment, though I suppose everyone is like that.

    I've been working on romanticizing the little things in my life. In my last session with my therapist, I talked about how my life has significantly improved from where it was when I started therapy, and yet I was not content. I wasn't satisfied. I'm surrounded by people I love, I have income, I have my own space, I have the ability to do the things I love, there's no reason for me to not be content with my life. So... why aren't I? I told her it felt like I was missing something that everyone else knew, something that was so obvious. She said something that I can't get out of my head. She told me contentedness, happiness, satisfaction, all that comes from the inside. She told me that I had to look inwards and ask myself why I wasn't satisfied. The thing is, I don't know why I'm not satisfied. Perhaps it means I am satisfied. She told me that capitalism  and marketing (of course) drives you to consume, it forces you to think that enough is not enough. You need more, you always need more, you will never be content with what you have. I don't wanna get caught up in that, so I'm learning to romanticize and enjoy the little things. Like when I'm driving and  the sun's out and my music is blasting, or when I play a song on the drums real good, or the quiet moments at night when I look up at the sky and the sky looks back and smiles. When I look up at the moon peaking through the clouds and I think to myself why she's beautiful! When I'm on Discord and I tell a joke and everyone laughs, or when I'm gaming with friends and we all work as a comprehensive team. Doing this has helped a bunch, but there's still that worry. The fear. The fear that I'm wasting my time, I could be doing more. There's so much to do and so little time! How am I to fit it all in before I keel over?! I try not to think about that too much, and now I will be taking a long swig of sangria. Mmm refreshing! (pro tip, caprisun is excellent for mixing with wine)

Jamba Juice wants to interview me this Thursday at 1:00 PM. Thats cool,

I turn 18 in a month and 9 days, and I go to the Tacoma Dome car museum with my sister on my birthday, so I'm pumped for that!

See Y'all next week

The song of the week is A-O-K by Tai Verdes

Monday, January 3, 2022

Christmas and other holiday ordeals.

     I think I had my first good Christmas.

    I usually have a bad experience this time of year, but this winter has been pretty alright for me, which is a nice change. Spent the holidays with people I care about, in a city I love. I got some neat gifts, I did some good deeds, generally it was a pretty good experience. New years was similar, the 31st was my last day at work, that night I went and got absolutely obliterated with some friends. Had an alright time there too.


    Yesterday my other sister came over. She swapped out some of my computer parts for Christmas and then we went out for dinner. Another pretty good time, although I have conflicted feelings about her, I think our relationship will improve from here. Family has always been a... difficult situation for me. I'm not always sure how I'm supposed to feel about my family members, and this is why I have a therapist. 


    I had a bad day sensory wise today, which is something I only recently realized had a name. Before I would just wonder why some days I'm uncontrollably irritable and want to sit by myself and not talk to anyone. This is just another reminder that I need to find a new therapist, but I think I'll focus on finding a new job first. I don't wanna have to go back to work for that stupid ham company come Easter time.


    2022, I've been calling it my lucky year, since 2 is my lucky number. Some part of me is worried that I'm jinxing myself, setting myself up for failure and stuff, but another part of me is confident in the idea of my luck. (Thats the part of my brain that makes the dumb decisions). My birthday is in 2 months, and for once I'm excited! Christmas was good, new years was good, if valentines is good, then maybe my birthday will be good too! Things seem to be on the upswing. My sister and her boyfriend are taking me to the car museum in the Tacoma Dome, so that'll be sick.

The song of the week is Uh Oh I Called Mum by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

See y'all next week.


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