I'm livin

     I went to a show this weekend, that was pretty sick. I forgot how much I liked going out and seeing live music. It was the first I went to with a big group of friends. Had a great time!!! I think next time I'd like to bring more of my bandmates. Speaking of band stuff, I'm meeting a lot of people who wanna join it, plus the person who used to be in it still wants to play, but Iunno how they're gonna make things work. I should have more faith in these people. I can't just assume I'm more devoted than them. Time will prove me wrong, I'm sure of it. I know very little about moshing but I'm very lightweight and easily pushed around so I think people enjoy tossing me around? I'm not sure but whatever, its fun. I also got quesadillas from my favorite taco truck which were very yummy. I'm scheduled pretty much all week next week which is a little frightening, but my boss keeps talking about how good at my job I am and how I'm his favorite and stuff so I'm sure it'll go well. He wouldn't say that if he didn't think that about me, so I'll hold up fine. He was a little worried about burning me out but hey if I was expected to do school every day then I'm sure I can make smoothies. The reason I'm scheduled so much, is because our Marysville location needed extra staff. My boss was telling the Marysville manager that I'm an excellent worker, so they asked if I could work in Marysville. I said yes, so 2 days next week I'll be driving up there. Fun.

    I was finally able to get a solid 3 hour block of drumming yesterday. I'm really happy about it! I sounded pretty good and I had lots of fun, plus I practiced some weird stuff that I'll use in songs. Speaking of songs! I'm gonna try actually writing one. It's gonna be weird, but I think if I really try I could probably do pretty good. I know nothing about writing songs, and I am definitely not very good at it, but hey who needs to be. The issue is that I dunno if the song I'm writing is a punk song, but I am in a punk band. Whatever, I'll figure that stuff out later. The song,,, is horny to say the least, and deeply deeply sad if you think about it for too long, as are all the best songs amirite ladiez....no? oh well. In other news I am redying my hair VERY SOON!!!! RETURN OF THE PURPLE!!! I AM VERY EXCITED!!!!!!

    I've been reading my film books a little more but the thing is they only cover these shitty old white male directors that aren't very intertesting. There are a couple foreigners, like Sergei M Einstien and Fritz Lang, as well as some more left leaning or, as described in this book written by a white man, "feminist" directors like Howard Hawks, but I want to learn more about underground directors that never really got as popular (perhaps because of some radical views) of course as artists, most directors are radical in some way or another, but this book is also filled with filth like Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah sure teach me about the only director everyone knows and also he's a huge fuckin perv and deserves to eat my damn boots. I want black and female directors, I want spanish directors, I want INTERESTING DIRECTORS. Stupid ass book written by white men. I hate white people. 

    I still have no clue how I'm supposed to actually get an autism diagnosis. I don't even know where I'd start. A therapist?  A regular ass doctor's appointment?? Iunno. It's also not a huge priority for me right now cuz I have to get a GED still which involves saving money which means I have to focus on work. My mom is making it really hard for me to save money, she keeps on forcing my hand and then saying she'll pay me back when I don't have money to spare. I know she's worried about my weight but she doesn't have to make me go out to eat every time she thinks I'm not eating enough!!! As if I'm not worried enough about my own damn weight. I need to gain weight. Whatever.

    I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. Which ones I want to keep in my life moving forward, and which ones only cause stress and anger. This is probably not the best way to view relationships, but it get's me thinking. About how people treat me, and what they expect of me. I know that there are certain people who expect nothing from me and accept me as I am. I appreciate those people immensely, and I'm willing to do whatever they need me to. There are others out there who want me for something I cannot provide. Sometimes they realize I'm incapable of providing those things, and they get mad at me, but they wont leave me alone, and they definitely wont stop coming back to me. I don't know what to do. I also have been thinking about sex. Not in a horny way guys I swear I'm a virgin (my sister reads these). More like.... Some people say they need a connection to enjoy sex, now I wonder if I'm that way too, I just want to like sex without it, and therefore through brain magic I can sort of trick myself into enjoying it. I'm not sure though. Everything is so confusing. I wish it could all be simple. I wish my brain didn't think about things so much. Sometimes I wish my brain would be truly empty for just 5 seconds, unfortunately I can only get that kind of radio silence through pot. Probably isn't healthy, but fuck me I'm in a tight spot here so if it brings me peace for just 5 goddamn seconds I'll take it.

Hair purple in 5 days

The song of the week is Right Back by Sublime.

OOpsies! late again!

    Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, frogs, and anyone else reading this. I got a promotion! I am a shift lead now. It's wild! I wasn't at all expecting a promotion at this job, let alone this soon. I'm losing my mind! I got a whole dollar raise and they make me open and close now. It kinda sucks but whatever, it's nice to have something to do. I also get a new grey shirt and a cool new hat, I think I'm gonna post pics of it on twitter because they need an update. Since becoming a shift lead, I've had to close pretty much every time I worked save for once where I opened, (Fair enough, we are seriously understaffed), deal with someone walking out during a rush, and being called in on a Sunday by my district manager (To whom I then had to explain I never come in on Sundays (its the only day they won't ask about)). Whatever, it's not so bad, and I work with really nice and fun people! Sometimes I'm even in charge! Today I had an auntie anne's pretzel dog. I shoulda got the hotdog from Costco tho. I let my coworker use the Costco card. He got like a shitton of food for under 10 dollars. I love Costco. I sound like I'm being paid for this. Whoops. (hit me up costco lets be bros pay me in hotdogs).

    In other news I got  these cute lil pink joints and I wanted to buy more papers like that so that I could roll my own but I don't have enough money so I'll have to wait till next paycheck. Hoo boy that next paycheck is a GOOD one tho. I'll finally be able to fill my tank and recover financially. Goddamn gasoline corporations using war as an excuse to tighten the boot on our necks. We should be rioting and burning shit in the street and assaulting police stations and burning government buildings. We should always be doing this until they start making things better. I am just ranting again now. I hate the USA and I hate corporations. I also wanna dye my hair again since I washed it out too quickly this time. I'm excited to have REALLY purple hair this time.

    I may go to a show with my bassist tomorrow. I wanna invite my friend who plays guitar and expressed interest in joining my band so that they can meet him and stuff, but I haven't yet. Whoops. (if ur reading this text me or something so I can give you the details). I  would like to reform my band, and this time it might be a 4 piece because my bassist found another bassist so we can have 2 guitarists. I'm excited. I dunno if I should keep the name tho, I want to cuz its a good ass name, and I came up with it, so I think I will. I'm excited to jam with other people again. My sister came over to spend the weekend with us. It was nice to see her again and catch up with her. I had lunch with her and it was nice to hang out with her again. I'm happy I did that.

Not much else to say, I'm sorta exhausted. That's why the post is late, sorry.

See y'all next week!

The song of the week is Lost in America by Pepper

There's Anti-capitalist rant in this one.

    I started to doubt myself as a drummer recently. I don't drum nearly enough I think. Its tough, I can't drum after 6 or the neighbors complain, the people upstairs don't want me drumming before 3, and on days I have work, I'm busy from 12-5. When the fuck am I supposed to? Days off I either don't have the energy, or I get distracted. I just want a block of time where I can play without interruption. Of course it's not like that'll change anything. When I actually get a chance to play I think I sound like shit so I don't enjoy it as much. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I just play? I know that the reason I sound like shit is because I don't play enough, but it feels so much like it's out of my control. On top of that it feels like I'm lying to everyone because I'm not even that good of a fucking drummer I can't do half the things I should be able to, and I don't know shit about actual drumming. I can only parrot sounds I hear and use that to build my skills. I don't have anyone teaching me things I should know, I don't know anything about time signatures or shit like that. This is such a huge part of my identity and yet I don't know shit about it. It feels that way with movies too. Consciously that I know way more than the average  person because I've taken 3 film classes, but it's not like I've actually gone to film school or really know what the fuck I'm talking about ever. It sucks, and I know these are problems I can solve myself by just... learning more about the things I care about, but why don't I ever do it? I have all this free time now and all I do is lay around playing stupid video games. Fuck no, that's changing soon. I'm gonna read the damn film books I have in my bookshelf front to back so many goddamn times I'll be able to recite them from memory and then I'll read the stupid drum book that I have, even if I can't read the notes, surely there's something in there that will help me. I dunno, maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I have a serious case of impostor syndrome or maybe I'm just stupid.

    Okay... on a lighter note (literally) the sun has been out a lot more and I've been so much happier as a result. I actually wanna get out of bed in the mornings now. I can't wait to take my dog on walks and go to the beach and go to concerts. Some friends and I are planning this little road trip to Chehalis to see a band called Captured By Robots, it looks sick as fuck and I'm real excited. I can't wait for all the cool shit I'm gonna do this summer. I'm real excited. I need to get better at saving money but it's hard when everything is so goddamn expensive and I barely make enough to help my mom pay bills and pay for gas to make it to work. Fuck the system is so wrecked. More evidence that we need to burn it all down and start from scratch. Just fuck it all and return to tight communities that look out for each other instead of calling the cops on each other for STANDING IN FRONT OF A GODDAMNED TARGET. Loitering is so fucking stupid. The amount of homeless people I see everyday breaks my heart. Fuck, my bassist has been homeless more than once. Fuck the police, fuck the government, fuck everyone in congress, and if you disagree FUCK YOU. Okay so actually that goes against my thing about how and conservatives aren't the enemy here, it's actually the 1%.  A lot of people don't get that the people in control want us to think that conservatives are our enemy when in reality they are our brothers, sisters, and cousins. We should be supporting each other and working together against a common evil. We need to help them unlearn all the bullshit propaganda that they've been fed since day one. It takes time, but if we want to start a REAL revolution, if we want lasting permanent change, everyone needs to be on the same page. To be honest we really are halfway there, the ideologies align for the most part, it's just that there are people on the both sides who firmly believe that the other side is an enemy, an obstacle. The day that we turn our guns away from each other and onto the pigs up in their ivory towers, no matter what else happens, that's the day that we win, and they lose.

    I really need to get that autism diagnosis. Last night I got bored and took a couple autism tests. I wont give specifics but basically they told me that I should schedule an appointment to get checked soon. I dunno how to do that really, or where to do that, or who I'm supposed to do that with, but man it needs to happen. I dunno what it'll do for me, but at the very least I'll be able to explain my wack ass behavior. I feel like it's probably more of an identity thing than anything else but my identity is so fucked I doubt it'd even matter. Still feels like it matters. I dunno. Whatever. I found myself a new band that sounds a lot like sublime so thats cool, Pepper. Definitely recommend if you've never heard. They're from the late 90s to the early 00s. My current fave is probably Lost In America. I wanna start a pirate radio station. I think that'd be sick. Taking over some airwaves and playin my playlist. I'd take requests ofc, and every like 5 songs tune in and be like "ayo ayo its chaboy" and then I'd have to do my own sound effects n stuff n be like "yer listenin to pirate radio baby!!! No ads, all requests, ran by yours truly! Remeber kids, buy a BB gun and shoot your senators with it" I think that'd be pretty funny. I have this strong yearning to go fishing and stuff. Its probably leftover dad programming but still I really wanna go fishing. Imma go buy myself a license and shit, it'll be sick. Bring some beers, bring some weed, just have a good time on the shore. The whole tailgate/barbecue aesthetic is incredibly appealing to me for no reason. Just the other day I had me a lil barbecues. I can't wait to do that more consistently during the summer.

Soon...

     See y'all next week!

The song of the week is Community Gardens by The Scary Jokes (ft. Louie Zong)

Changes (for the better)

     

    Yeah yeah, late post. Sorry. Had a horrible tummy ache yesterday after work and I totally forgot to write this thing. Anyways, My hair is purple now. Its super sick!!! My self confidence has been boosted by a thousandfold, I'm happier in general, and I get so many compliments now!!! People be complimenting my hair, my nails, my rings, my necklaces, today someone complimented my Spanish!!!! More on that later. Things have been pretty great honestly, I've been having an awesome week! I'm taking a THC break because I was spendin WAY too much on pot for the size of my paychecks. I'll live I promise, and anyways it'll make my mom feel better so, win win right?

    Speaking of work, I'm gettin pretty good at makin smoothies. I've even got some recipes memorized! I'm faster now, my boss has been complimenting me on my improvement too which is nice, plus I'm getting scheduled more too! Fatter paychecks comin my way, that's pretty neat. Today some nice Spanish ladies who were having trouble ordering so I used my awesome new Spanish skills (sponsored by Duolingo*) to communicate and they said I was their favorite employee and I don't think I will ever be the same again. Forever now I will be riding the high of being their favorite. I had to clean a bunch of gross stuff at work today but other than that, it was pretty slow and time passed pretty quick, plus I have the next two days off so I'm havin a lil barbecue tomorrow. I'm very excited and I'm probably going to spend the rest of my money on that to be honest.

    My band is... on hiatus I think. We're lookin for a new guitarist, if yer interested hit me up. Last I heard my bassist was homeless which sucks but he's tough as nails I'm sure he'll survive. Sadly he's been radio silent since yesterday which is... mildly concerning... but shwatevs, its not out of character for him. I'm a lil bummed. I really wanna jam with some people. If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with instrument disease PLEASE jam with me. I have a garage!!! There will likely be beer! I will give you a whole dollar!!!!! YOU CAN USE MY DAMN GUITAR I DONT CARE ANYMORE... Okay maybe I'm drum horny. I haven't played in a lil while but it's okay because I can play tomorrow and the day after. This weekend too!

    Iunno what's been happening. I've just been happier as of late. It might just be these past few days but I like to think it'll keep goin! I'm excited for tomorrow. I've got this new outlook on life; It'll workout in the end. It's pretty much an amalgamation of every toxic positivity post you've ever seen and the worst advice your grandparents can give you, but it goes sorta like... I carve my own path, I trust in myself and my choices, I go with the flow, fluid like water, I trust the universe to support me, it will all workout in the end, and if it hasn't then it clearly isn't over! Thinkin about this makes me feel a lot better, especially when I'm anxious. Sure it may be hippie bullshit, but hey so am I. I think it's about time for me to get a little more in touch with spirituality and stuff. Not that I know how to do that at all, but hey I can give it a shot. If you've got a good place for me to start, send it my way (don't send me any sort of christian bible of any denomination I hate god). I really feel like I'm on the upswing now. It's nice. I'm finally content!!! Something I've expressed a struggle with in previous posts. Oh also I have girl scout cookies which is super sick.

See y'all next week!

The song of the week is Crack Rock Steady by Chocking Victim

*fucking gottem, you really think I got some sort of sponsorship?? eat shit BIIIIITCH.