There's Anti-capitalist rant in this one.

    I started to doubt myself as a drummer recently. I don't drum nearly enough I think. Its tough, I can't drum after 6 or the neighbors complain, the people upstairs don't want me drumming before 3, and on days I have work, I'm busy from 12-5. When the fuck am I supposed to? Days off I either don't have the energy, or I get distracted. I just want a block of time where I can play without interruption. Of course it's not like that'll change anything. When I actually get a chance to play I think I sound like shit so I don't enjoy it as much. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I just play? I know that the reason I sound like shit is because I don't play enough, but it feels so much like it's out of my control. On top of that it feels like I'm lying to everyone because I'm not even that good of a fucking drummer I can't do half the things I should be able to, and I don't know shit about actual drumming. I can only parrot sounds I hear and use that to build my skills. I don't have anyone teaching me things I should know, I don't know anything about time signatures or shit like that. This is such a huge part of my identity and yet I don't know shit about it. It feels that way with movies too. Consciously that I know way more than the average  person because I've taken 3 film classes, but it's not like I've actually gone to film school or really know what the fuck I'm talking about ever. It sucks, and I know these are problems I can solve myself by just... learning more about the things I care about, but why don't I ever do it? I have all this free time now and all I do is lay around playing stupid video games. Fuck no, that's changing soon. I'm gonna read the damn film books I have in my bookshelf front to back so many goddamn times I'll be able to recite them from memory and then I'll read the stupid drum book that I have, even if I can't read the notes, surely there's something in there that will help me. I dunno, maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I have a serious case of impostor syndrome or maybe I'm just stupid.

    Okay... on a lighter note (literally) the sun has been out a lot more and I've been so much happier as a result. I actually wanna get out of bed in the mornings now. I can't wait to take my dog on walks and go to the beach and go to concerts. Some friends and I are planning this little road trip to Chehalis to see a band called Captured By Robots, it looks sick as fuck and I'm real excited. I can't wait for all the cool shit I'm gonna do this summer. I'm real excited. I need to get better at saving money but it's hard when everything is so goddamn expensive and I barely make enough to help my mom pay bills and pay for gas to make it to work. Fuck the system is so wrecked. More evidence that we need to burn it all down and start from scratch. Just fuck it all and return to tight communities that look out for each other instead of calling the cops on each other for STANDING IN FRONT OF A GODDAMNED TARGET. Loitering is so fucking stupid. The amount of homeless people I see everyday breaks my heart. Fuck, my bassist has been homeless more than once. Fuck the police, fuck the government, fuck everyone in congress, and if you disagree FUCK YOU. Okay so actually that goes against my thing about how and conservatives aren't the enemy here, it's actually the 1%.  A lot of people don't get that the people in control want us to think that conservatives are our enemy when in reality they are our brothers, sisters, and cousins. We should be supporting each other and working together against a common evil. We need to help them unlearn all the bullshit propaganda that they've been fed since day one. It takes time, but if we want to start a REAL revolution, if we want lasting permanent change, everyone needs to be on the same page. To be honest we really are halfway there, the ideologies align for the most part, it's just that there are people on the both sides who firmly believe that the other side is an enemy, an obstacle. The day that we turn our guns away from each other and onto the pigs up in their ivory towers, no matter what else happens, that's the day that we win, and they lose.

    I really need to get that autism diagnosis. Last night I got bored and took a couple autism tests. I wont give specifics but basically they told me that I should schedule an appointment to get checked soon. I dunno how to do that really, or where to do that, or who I'm supposed to do that with, but man it needs to happen. I dunno what it'll do for me, but at the very least I'll be able to explain my wack ass behavior. I feel like it's probably more of an identity thing than anything else but my identity is so fucked I doubt it'd even matter. Still feels like it matters. I dunno. Whatever. I found myself a new band that sounds a lot like sublime so thats cool, Pepper. Definitely recommend if you've never heard. They're from the late 90s to the early 00s. My current fave is probably Lost In America. I wanna start a pirate radio station. I think that'd be sick. Taking over some airwaves and playin my playlist. I'd take requests ofc, and every like 5 songs tune in and be like "ayo ayo its chaboy" and then I'd have to do my own sound effects n stuff n be like "yer listenin to pirate radio baby!!! No ads, all requests, ran by yours truly! Remeber kids, buy a BB gun and shoot your senators with it" I think that'd be pretty funny. I have this strong yearning to go fishing and stuff. Its probably leftover dad programming but still I really wanna go fishing. Imma go buy myself a license and shit, it'll be sick. Bring some beers, bring some weed, just have a good time on the shore. The whole tailgate/barbecue aesthetic is incredibly appealing to me for no reason. Just the other day I had me a lil barbecues. I can't wait to do that more consistently during the summer.

Soon...

     See y'all next week!

The song of the week is Community Gardens by The Scary Jokes (ft. Louie Zong)