I'm baaack

     Hey Y'all, I'm back! I took a brief hiatus to just focus on getting my shit together. That I did. Didya miss me? Of course you did. Much has happened, but also nothing has changed at all. Isn't life funny like that? Work has been getting busier and more stressful with sunnier days and yet... I love that the sun is coming out. A few days ago me and my mom both ran out into the sunshine laughing and giggling like children (gee I wonder if we are maybe autistic). I really can't wait for the sun to come back full force. I miss being comfortable outside. It sucks because I just LOVE warm weather but I also love Washington so much. It's literally beautiful here, there are so many parks and beautiful landscapes and stuff it makes me really happy to live here.

     I had a little 4/20 party but like nobody showed up, that's fine I'll throw another one soon. I really wanna get plastered soon. I think that's what I really need. To get fuckin wasted. I found this really yummy piroshky place in Everett that I love.  I want to take all my friends there! They have a little thing you can rent out and have a tea-party in and I desperately want to do that. Ideally I'd be the type of person that owns a whole tea set, and when someone tells me they're coming over (or someone shows up at my house) I can say "oh I'll put some tea on." I think that immediately makes their visit so much better! Place its scratching that cottagecore (and prepper) itch to live out in the woods and drink tea and have a little garden and many animals and such.

    My band still hasnt hung out quite yet so thats kinda annoying but we're planning something soon! So that'll be nice. I was thinking about how my guitarist told me he wanted us to sound kinda like Destroyboyz (which I'm going to see in April!!!!!!) so I gave my band the task (or suggestion I guess?) to learn the song Crybaby and play it everytime they practice and then maybe we could play it together as a warm-up song. I feel like Trevor could do those vocals EZ, Iunno if the bassline is hard but the drums are mostly blast beats with a couple hard fills and triples. I've played the song before and I can almost do it perfectly so I think it's a good start. Everyone seemed pretty enthusiastic about it so I'm pretty psyched about that. I can't wait for us to practice together!!! I'm so excited.

    I've been thinking about gender recently. Even writing that sentence makes me a little uncomfortable. I guess this is me sort of.... coming out???? iunno I hate saying that. I wish I could just become something and everyone would know. Like... boom I'm a girl now suprise! boom I go by scrumble/scrumbleself now! And it'd be just like okay yeah. NO unfortunately its a whole damn ordeal. fuckin. Whatever man. Gender is stupid anyways. My brain is too big and fucking complex for your stupid binary system. so what if I gots a dick and balls, I'm not a boy and my dick is probably bigger than yours. How's that make you feel, bitch? Okay that's too aggressive surely. Allow me to rephrase. I have considered myself He/they for quite a while now, I've decided to now tell people that its okay to start using those pronouns. (hint hint wink wink) Iunno what the fuck I am, but it aint a boy. Till I figure this bullshit out, he/they works just fine.

that... does feel good to get off my chest.

I've been way more confident recently, that's nice.

I feel pretty happy tbh. My mom keeps asking, I know she's worried I'm still depressed.

I probably... am still depressed. Thats okay though, all that matters is that I'm happy right now.

I wanna play minecraft, I also want to play read dead redemption. Iunno which one I will.

My mom wants to take me on a vacation, it sounds nice. 

The song of the week is Hola Adriana by Bear Ghost

Burnout pt2

     Short post because I feel like garbage. I have been working too much. I am going to be taking some time off. I have Thursday. and most of next week off. My nose is congested for some fucking reason. I'm tired all the time. I need caffeine to function and then I cant sleep at night. Last night I had a really vivid and uncomfortable dream about Washington D.C. getting hit with a nuke. I don't really... know why it got to me, but when I woke up this morning I had this feeling in my head that something disastrous would happen. It really screwed me up. I need to drum more. I work at the ham place on friday. I'm going to drum more. I think my mom's mental health is improving, oh also I saw my cousins, they came into work. A lot of people come into work that I vaguely recognize but they don't clock me. It's weird. Its kinda nice. I like being a mysterious and ambiguous person. I'm worried I'm wasting my life. I sometimes think about being older and it makes me so confused and uncomfortable. I think I am unwell. I still need an autism diagnosis. I still don't know how to get one. I'm saving money to get my GED, thats good. Soon. Things will fall into place for me. I know it. I will persevere! I will overcome. At the very least, I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be okay. I'm cutting down caffeine this week, and also weed. Gotta prep for 4/20. Me 'n the gang are gonna do... something.

Everything is so complicated, I miss when it was simple. I think back to a time there never was, where it was easy. What once felt so difficult, seems simple now. If I told my younger self that in the future I would describe my childhood as simple, kid me would kick me in the shin.

whatever

I'm tired

take your half assed bog post

be mad

I don't care

The song of the week is De Música Ligera by Soda Stereo.

Burnout

     Last week, I wrote this:

         "Theres too much goddamn stimulus in this world. Sometimes I drive down the highway and all the signs are so overwhelming. Everyone has something to sell. Everyone wants my money. Everyone has flashing neon sings a lit up with greed. I feel so disgusted. I can't ever escape it either. My phone is full of things after my money, after my thoughts, my productivity. Everything wants me to consume without caring whether or not I actually want to consume it. I wish I could turn all the signs in the world off. All the lights off! What if signs were illegal. If you wanna find my business, look for it you lazy piece of american shit. I fucking hate this stupid country. I just want some peace. I want to go outside without being assaulted with stimulants!!!! I go outside to escape my thoughts only to be thrust into this stupid consumerist nightmare of advertising and algorithms designed to fuck my noggin so hard it thinks it needs to buy an RV right now. Fuck me I just want some visual quiet. I like the freeway. It's always got trees and mountains and peace. I hate seeing plazas with their billion signs. Come get your nails done and shop at our outlet store and get teriyaki and sign your soul away to the devil and buy fishing tackle and buy a neon sign and buy a gun and kill your parents! And look at what you've done. Look what we've made you do. You know where you're going? The government mandated slave camp where you'll work for us for free so we can just keep doing this to more poor innocent people. Fuck this country sucks. Fuck capitalism sucks. the prison industrial complex is a scam ask anyone who's been there. I hate the police and I hate the government I wish I could live in peace without corrupt government and corporations bothering me so fuckin much. Whatever. I'm pissed off."

I felt that it wouldn't fit in well in my other post so I never posted it, but here it is. Anyways

    I am feeling the effects of doing stuff non-stop. I'm tired, and I think very mildly sick? It's either allergies or the wimpiest cold ever. I think it's allergies but who knows. I'm tired, so so tired. I need to take a break from doing stuff. I forget how easily overwhelmed I am. Just this last weekend I was at a birthday party and good lord it was so hard to interact with so many people at once. I got overwhelmed and literally at one point shut down! I was just sitting on the ground staring into space because the noise and amount of people was just too much. Worst part was I felt like I couldn't speak for a while so I wasn't able to tell anyone how I was feeling or ask for help! I was just stuck unable to speak, too scared to move. It felt like it lasted for 30 minutes! I was probably just sitting there for about 5. 

    My band has officially expanded! I'm really happy. We got 2 new guitarists one of which can do bass, the other is gonna be on vocals. I'm a little nervous because I feel a little self conscious about my drumming. Iunno if I can keep up with their skills. Although one of them keeps assuring me that I am good at the drums and I appreciate that a lot. It always feels nice to be told you're good at something. At work I got cussed out by a co-worker who I had to kick out. Dude was a huge asshole and I'm glad I proved that I can stand up for myself without resorting to beating the ever loving shit out of that guy (which is what I wanted to do). He kept calling me skinny, which I hated. it fucked with my body issues and now I feel all icky again. Stupid bastard, hope he chokes and dies. I've also had to train like 2 new people after receiving minimal training myself which is super awesome. I think they'll do fine, I hope I did alright at explaining things. I'm not really sure. whatever.

  I think I'm really turning things around for myself. Hopefully in a better direction. I know that I probably wont feel normal for a while but I think the process has already started.

The song of the week is Rent by Pepper.