Burnout

     Last week, I wrote this:

         "Theres too much goddamn stimulus in this world. Sometimes I drive down the highway and all the signs are so overwhelming. Everyone has something to sell. Everyone wants my money. Everyone has flashing neon sings a lit up with greed. I feel so disgusted. I can't ever escape it either. My phone is full of things after my money, after my thoughts, my productivity. Everything wants me to consume without caring whether or not I actually want to consume it. I wish I could turn all the signs in the world off. All the lights off! What if signs were illegal. If you wanna find my business, look for it you lazy piece of american shit. I fucking hate this stupid country. I just want some peace. I want to go outside without being assaulted with stimulants!!!! I go outside to escape my thoughts only to be thrust into this stupid consumerist nightmare of advertising and algorithms designed to fuck my noggin so hard it thinks it needs to buy an RV right now. Fuck me I just want some visual quiet. I like the freeway. It's always got trees and mountains and peace. I hate seeing plazas with their billion signs. Come get your nails done and shop at our outlet store and get teriyaki and sign your soul away to the devil and buy fishing tackle and buy a neon sign and buy a gun and kill your parents! And look at what you've done. Look what we've made you do. You know where you're going? The government mandated slave camp where you'll work for us for free so we can just keep doing this to more poor innocent people. Fuck this country sucks. Fuck capitalism sucks. the prison industrial complex is a scam ask anyone who's been there. I hate the police and I hate the government I wish I could live in peace without corrupt government and corporations bothering me so fuckin much. Whatever. I'm pissed off."

I felt that it wouldn't fit in well in my other post so I never posted it, but here it is. Anyways

    I am feeling the effects of doing stuff non-stop. I'm tired, and I think very mildly sick? It's either allergies or the wimpiest cold ever. I think it's allergies but who knows. I'm tired, so so tired. I need to take a break from doing stuff. I forget how easily overwhelmed I am. Just this last weekend I was at a birthday party and good lord it was so hard to interact with so many people at once. I got overwhelmed and literally at one point shut down! I was just sitting on the ground staring into space because the noise and amount of people was just too much. Worst part was I felt like I couldn't speak for a while so I wasn't able to tell anyone how I was feeling or ask for help! I was just stuck unable to speak, too scared to move. It felt like it lasted for 30 minutes! I was probably just sitting there for about 5. 

    My band has officially expanded! I'm really happy. We got 2 new guitarists one of which can do bass, the other is gonna be on vocals. I'm a little nervous because I feel a little self conscious about my drumming. Iunno if I can keep up with their skills. Although one of them keeps assuring me that I am good at the drums and I appreciate that a lot. It always feels nice to be told you're good at something. At work I got cussed out by a co-worker who I had to kick out. Dude was a huge asshole and I'm glad I proved that I can stand up for myself without resorting to beating the ever loving shit out of that guy (which is what I wanted to do). He kept calling me skinny, which I hated. it fucked with my body issues and now I feel all icky again. Stupid bastard, hope he chokes and dies. I've also had to train like 2 new people after receiving minimal training myself which is super awesome. I think they'll do fine, I hope I did alright at explaining things. I'm not really sure. whatever.

  I think I'm really turning things around for myself. Hopefully in a better direction. I know that I probably wont feel normal for a while but I think the process has already started.

The song of the week is Rent by Pepper.