I'm Paranoid

     The liscence plates are speaking in code. They are trying to kill me. We are under constant threat of nuclear attack, the ice caps are melting. The world is dying, I'm dying, we're all already dead. T'morrow is an ever-fleeting maybe that becomes further and further away with every passing sunrise. I'm afraid. I know everyone is looking at me. I can see their eyes. They're all whispering about me. My brain knows its true. The lights are too bright, the sounds are too loud. I can't understand what they're saying anymore. Theres too much happening. Overstimulation is everywhere. I cannot hide. I can only return to a status quo of mild constant overstimulation. All input, not nearly enough output. I'm drowning in un-processable data. It takes up so much space in my brain. I know so much, too much. My mind is a slurry of ones and zeros coded upside-down in an alien language that nobody can remember.

Breathe in

Breath out

Exhale?

Inhale

I'm fine.

Looking for a job hasn't been going very well. I keep not liking the places I interview at, and the places I do like are scheduling interviews at the same time. I actually just resolved that problem as I was writing that. I'm a little drunk so I'm confident enough to expect people to bend to meet my needs. Hell yeah.  I have been having medical issues that have been bothering me that I'd rather not talk about not only because its gross but also because its super gross. Trust me you don't need to know. Anyways it's been really freaking me out and it's not helping my sense of impending doom. I've been trying to drum 2 hours every day in preparation for being on stage, that's been going well I've been sounding way better recently. I've noticed in specific that my "Bad Days" are getting less bad and more just sorta, average. It's a good thing. Plus my good days are really sounding way better. I'm happy about that. I think this band can really go places and I'm excited as fuck about it. I'm genuinely  really excited to play with them again.

Graduation just passed, and I had really mixed feelings about that until a few of my friends said some things that really meant a lot to me. I really felt like I failed. I didn't graduate so I must not be worth anything! Obviously I know that's not true but it's hard to remember that when I see all my friends being honored on stage. And how happy they are to graduate. and how proud everyone is of them. It makes me feel...

Inadequate

But then my friends said they still saw me as a part of the graduating class and I literally almost cried. I went to senior sunset and I saw so many people who I hadn't seen in years. Literally 4 years. I was so strange. I remembered so many things about middle school. Some people I made amends with, others I did not. I hope I do soon.

I play live on stage July 30th.'

The song of the week is Wasted Days by The Slackers

(P.S. I like beer👍)

Sorry I missed a week.

     No I didn't forget, I was sick. I know you all missed me terribly, but I'm back. A lot happens in 2 weeks yknow. It's like a totally different month now (pride month). Theres a lot of stuff I'm not sure how I feel about. In some ways, I feel resolved and relieved, in others I am more anxious than ever. I'm working on being calmer as a person. Less angry I suppose, although when I'm perceived as angry I'm never actually angry, strangely people can't actually tell when I'm genuinely upset about something VS something being a minor ick or inconvenience. Its because I'm incredibly easily riled up. I will get loud over anything! For no reason. It's stupid. I hate it, and it feels like I have no control over it at all. It's hard though. I just can't keep track of my tone, and it's so difficult when I'm in a bad mood. I hate when my bad mood makes other people upset. I've been in such sour spirits lately and it's because I haven't been getting enough sleep. I hate being an insomniac. Just yesterday I had plans with some people that I feel like I botched because I was in a bad mood, I know it really didn't even affect things that much and we still had a great time, but I wish I wasn't feeling like crap the whole time. Whatever it's not a big deal. I have three interviews this week, that's exciting. Trying to get a job again has been such a pain in the ass but I have enjoyed being unemployed. Well.... sort of. I need to get back on schedule. Back into routine. Bed at midnight, wake at 8 AM. Tea and breakfast in the morning, lunch around noon, drums at 3, dinner at 6. Cut back on caffiene, eat healthier, try not to think about all my problems at once. Such is life right now. I'm still expecting something huge to happen soon, and big things are happening!!! I'll get to that later. I dunno, maybe the big things have come and gone and I just had too high expectations. I need to live in the moment. I need to realize things are happening as they're happening, snap out of whatever daze I spend 90% of my life in and enjoy myself for once. this goddamn keyboard is fucking falling apart as I type this, my O key keeps skipping. Fuck me. anyways, I have to save money to repair my truck, but saving money is so hard when you're unemployed. Lost my train of thought because I had to cough my ass off, goddamnit I really need to start planning these things out....

    I had some sort of flu or infection (not COVID) like a week ago, and the cough won't fucking go away. It scared the crap out of me because  I thought I had cancer (lymph nodes swelled in places I didn't know lymph nodes were). I'm still coughing though, and spitting up phlegm. All my other symptoms are gone, but not the cough, of course not. It'll go away soon, and I gotta schedule a doctor's appointment soon anyways. Onto some good news! I was asked to drum for someone's show!! I'm really excited and terribly nervous. It's okay because they like how I sound and together we sound great. I think after a few more practices we should be awesome on stage. I don't remember all the details now but they will definitely be all over my social media (and likely here) when I do have them. I went to a prom afterparty thing the other day and saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. It was nice, unexpected sure, but nice. I do like to catch up with old friends, ideally I'd spend all day drinking tea, smoking weed, and just chatting. Unfortunately capitalism says instead I have to wake up at 8 AM and look for jobs or whatever. I hate it here. I hope capitalism explodes. Oh also Brendan Urie dropped some new trash music, don't listen to it, I hope he explodes. I hope every landlord explodes too,

i dunno that'd probably kinda suck tho, like...

if they were big explosions? yikes that's a lotta damage.

oh no, what if theres like a landlord con... and like a whole bunch of em explode together

ok nvm about the landlords I just hope they kinda,,,, all disappear. non-violently.

The song of the week is Surfer Girl by Home Grown

(It's summer time, the song of the week is likely going to be ska for a while)