The Flop, The Turn, The River, and The Waterfall

       >Now Playing - Don't Know How To Love by EVER

    It is so much easier to deal with your problems when you frame it as others deliberately hurting you, instead of all of us not having any fucking clue what the Hell we are doing, and hurting each other in the process. The reality is sometimes bad things happen because of the circumstances that allowed them to be.  Whether it is ignorance, negligence, bitterness and wrath, foolishness, selfishness, or what have you. It is easier to say that they were done out of Evil and done Deliberately, but sometimes it is simply a mistake, a misstep, the wrong decision, a missed connection, the wrong words coming out at the wrong time, a lowered inhibition, a low impulse control. Sometimes things happen, and you get hurt, and you want a clear villain to blame. That is natural. It is human. I did it, and I see now the error in my ways. I have been on both sides of it, and I say this understanding that what I did was wrong, and I live with that guilt. No amount of "I'm sorry" and "It will never happen again" and "I'm fundamentally different now" will ever wash that away. No that will stick with me till I die I think, but it has also given me the opportunity to reflect on how I have vilified others, and realize that if it is unfair to one, it is unfair to others. Everyone has their reasons for why they do things. Whether they believe it is right or not, nobody does things just for the sake of evil. That is Not a concept that exists in the real world. Evil comes from prioritizing yourself at the expenses of others in a way that directly causes hurt and pain to them in a way you comprehend entirely. Every godforsaken CEO who breaks the back of his worker to make an extra dollar, they believe they are doing what they need to in order to get by in this world, every murderer has a motive, every thief steals because they feel they need to. When people wrong me, they do it because they don't know better, or they felt they needed to. Whether it's true not is irrelevant, and in some cases malleable. Everyone feels justified in their cause, and everyone has a villain in their story, I need to break this cycle for myself in order to truly move past this time in my life. The hard part comes with the fact that if I do so, it does not mean that anyone else will join me in that. I must learn to accept this. People will think what they want about me, say what they want about me, they will speak the truth, they will slander, they will simply state their opinion, and they are entitled to do so. I cannot change what other people think about me, this is something entirely out of my control. No, truly my self ideation must come from inside. From what I know of myself, and what I believe about my future. Everyone else will think different. This is okay. I must know who I am inside and be confident and comfortable with that. No idealized version of myself, simply what is true. I am flawed, this is true, I have done bad things, made poor decisions, this is true, I have done good things, made positive decisions, and helped others, this is true. I am not a victim, however I once was. This is true. The events in my life caused me, tho directly or indirectly, to do the things I have done, good and bad. They will continue to do so, current events included, this is true. I am trying to do better, and working on being better, this is true. Many others who have been down the same path failed to change course in the way I am trying. This is true. Think of it like this, you are flowing down a river, it splits many times, and has forks. You hold a paddle with which you may choose what fork you go down. For a while you thought you could not fight the current, it is too strong, and you are weak. This river ride you are on has forced you to make hard decisions, not just the simple left or right, no, decisions that change lives. Rationing food and water, casting out extra weight from your raft, repurposing beloved artifacts into patches for the holes in the raft. Then suddenly over the horizon you see it. The Waterfall and before it; some rapids. Sure,You've already braved some rapids, but these will surely wreck your already shitty and dilapidated raft, and there will be nothing to hold onto when you go over the falls. Perhaps death awaits at the bottom, if not, a destination so unsavory that you may wish death upon yourself. Out of desperation you try the unthinkable. You begin to paddle upriver, against the current. Perhaps you were not as weak as you thought, because you find your raft slowing down. It is hard work, your arms tire, sometimes you slip and the current catches you, however you Must keep rowing. You must change your course, because if you do not, you will not like what will happen to you, you will not like what you will become. You find yourself alone on your raft because you threw everyone else off at previous forks in the river, and anyone who wasn't thrown off was lost in the rapids. And so you paddle, with no help. You fight the current, and it is hard, but everyday your raft slows just a little more, and you begin to make progress in the right direction, you can feel the current shift around you, soon you will keep pace with the salmon running up river, and you may even find yourself able to return to a fork, and change your course, save yourself from the waterfall. It will not be easy, but it was not supposed to be, and taking the easy way has got you here. This is what I am doing currently. Fighting years of programming and nature that has made me who I am today, arguing with the little voice in my head who says that I'm not worth it. Fighting an upbringing that has taught me to take what I want, and do whatever it takes to achieve that. Fighting every survival instinct I thought I needed. And realizing I was wrong. Accepting that I cannot undo the wrongs I have done, and paddling onward, holding out hope that the other fork in this so called river doesn't also lead to the same place. Hope is a sad thing, because if you look around, it's hard to find. But if you're lucky enough to find it, you cannot let it go.

    I met somebody recently. Someone who talks to me like he did, someone who talks to me sweet and says all the right things. We met through some weird random happenstance, a dance I was invited to, and I thought it was a miracle. I suppose I was blinded by rose coloured glasses. I liked their sweet words, I liked the attention they gave me. It made me feel good, valued, like I was someone entirely different. They brought out the fun side of me again, the side that dances, the side that likes to dress up and go out, the side that I wish I had more of. and I thought maybe there was something of substance there. The attention got to me, my sad little worn out heart perked up like a dog in a kennel hearing the door open. Of course... they don't want something serious with me. Not that I'm ready, or that it'd be even good for me right now. I still have much to figure out, and many things to cope with before that, but if you doubt even for a moment that I would have jumped at the chance for something like that, you are Dead wrong. I mean come on, I've always been the self-destructive type, and a hopeless romantic. But it doesn't matter. That isn't what they want. I don't know what it is they want. Probably just to fuck me and toss me aside like the rest of them, a glorified goddamn escort they can pay in moscow mules and tequila shots. Okay so maybe I'm exaggerating and projecting and all that stuff my therapist has told me not to do. But still, the disappointment my little heart felt when they said friends with benefits... I'd felt that somewhere before. With someone before. It made me do some things I regret, and in doing so, I sowed seeds of distrust in a valued relationship. And yet there I was in the bathroom stall making out with them. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to. If you had a crush and they said "wanna make out tonight just as friends haha" you telling me you'd say no? What was a girl to do?! I know it's a bad idea, but I'm seeing them again soon. I said it, I like the attention. They make me feel good, we have fun together. They call me baby, and pretty girl, they talk to me sweet. They treat me like a princess, and it's all I want. Or... just short of all I want I guess. Besides, there's no way they'll stick around when I tell them Why I got kicked out of my band and Why I'm working so hard on myself. I Hinted at it that night, but it was the second time we'd met, I'm not just gonna go around telling every james, mary, and joe what happened. It's personal, and yes they'd have a right to know if they were really invested in a relationship with me, but I don't really get that vibe, so I'll sit on that for a bit, till I'm sure they can hold the space to hear me out. Understand what I'm trying to do. Take all the facts, and decide if they wanna keep seeing me. Another thing that puts me off is their strange need to keep us a secret, even if we're just fooling around, something about their mom not approving or something, which is fair because we're queer and such, but I get the feeling it's not about the queerness. Whatever, I don't know their situation and I can't speak on that. So I guess in conclusion, my heart aches, but I'm going to have my fun and try not to get hurt (or hurt them) in the process.

    Snoop Dogg had a vet visit. I'm really proud of him, he was very brave even if he didn't let the vet tech try and shove a thermometer where the sun don't shine. He got his vaccines, and he got a biopsy for a weird lump on his chest (the main reason we took him). It was tough seeing my poor lad in such dire circumstances, and I absolutely HATE that they didn't let me stay with him when he was getting the needles poked and prodded into him. I seriously worry about him lately, but the vet says other than the lump and being slightly overweight, he's perfectly healthy. I've been trying to get him to exercise more, and I put him on a proper diet. I'm just trying to give him the best life I can while he's still around, he's had a rough journey just like me, and I made a lot of mistakes when growing up with him that I'm trying to fix. He's old now, his eyes are a little cloudy, and the brown in his fur is fading to white, but he still acts like a puppy. I don't.... quite know what I'll do without him. He's been by me through good times and bad, we're sort of trauma bonded together. He was my only friend in Portland, he was my confidant when I had no one else, and when all my friends turned their backs on me, it was his neck I cried into. I know he isn't going to live forever, I just need him to make it a little longer. I don't know if I can finish this fight without him. I just want him around a little longer. If this is the year he...... 

    Well I don't want to think about that anymore. Right now he's healthy, and I'm trying my best. Instead I'm going to outline my "Life Plan" as it stands

Snoopy has been certified as an ESA, meaning we can take him with us when we move.

I have (almost) successfully changed my name to Allie Gator Rojas (just waiting on the ID so I can transfer my bank info over)

Next up is obtaining my GED. I'm trying some free online resources to essentially Relearn math

Afterwards, I'm going to try technical college, I think Culinary sounds like a good choice, maybe something in botany.

From there I'm... moving to New Orleans? I guess? Maybe I need to save up enough money first... 

Then It's New Orleans.

I was gonna try financing a new electric drum set in order to build credit, but it seems that's not a great option, so maybe I'll get a credit card and make the payments with the credit card and pay the credit card bill to build credit. I dunno. Still gotta think that one through.

Gosh, what else to say. I don't know. I'm trying hard to be kinder to myself, and my therapist says that's good. I'm trying to force myself out of my comfort zone, and do things I wouldn't normally feel like doing. So far it's paid off. Saw the new How to Train Your Dragon movie, it was good. I'm starting to force my name at work so people are starting to Get it. Things might just be looking up, but I'm afraid to say that. Because Everytime I say that, they just come crashing down again. C'est la Vie I suppose, I'll pick up the pieces like I always have.

Regrets, and the path that Lies ahead

>Now Playing - Runnin' by Manwolves    

     What I wouldn't do for just one more phone call from you. The same ones that used to make my heart sink and my eyes water, I now find a longing for. I know I wasn't perfect, not even that good, and I know you deserve better, but I can't help but miss what we had. You treated me better than I deserved, and it's the only time I've felt cherished and appreciated in a relationship. I simply didn't return the favor. I'm so sorry for how I fucked things up and I know it doesn't mean fuckall to you now because of how I acted when we were together, still I'd cross seas, climb mountains, just for a single phone call I used to dread. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you when you were here, I'm sorry it took losing you to wake me up, and I'm sorry you got hurt in the process. I know you can't forgive me, I don't expect you to, but I can't help but yearn for one more call. I don't even know what I'd say, maybe I'd just listen to you talk, yell at me. Just to hear that voice again. But I can't, and you won't call. I don't want to subject you to anymore of my bullshit excuses or shitty behavior. But a girl can dream, and she can miss her ex, and she can remember the good times they had, and regret all the wrong things she did. And she can accept that it's too little too late. I hope you are well, and I hope you take good care of my friend, he needs it right now. I miss you more than you could imagine.  I feel like such a fool, if I had a Seco Thir Fourth 

If I could do it over again I... would probably manage to fuck it up again, and still be sitting here sorry, and still be writing this.

    It's funny how people will scapegoat you for things you had nothing to do with if they find out you are flawed. Oh you made a mistake? You must be the source of all my problems! It's funny how many people have come forward to blame me for things I had little to no part in, or getting upset with me for something they never told me. I don't quite see the sense in that, but I get it. Nobody wants to take the blame for their own problems, I know that all too well, but you can't keep running from it. I've learned that the hard way, Sure I'm shallow, vain even, prideful, easily upset, but I can only influence others so much, what other people do to you based on how You Act is not my business. And yeah, maybe I talked shit which is bad (I don't know when I became the kind of person who did that to people) but if there are that many willing to talk shit about you, maybe you should reassess your own behavior. Sure I didn't think to ask personal questions about things I had assumed about you, but you never volunteered the information either? But sure, that can be my fault. Got any new girlfriends lately is a pretty funny way to start conversations! Whatever. I'm not mad, if anything I'm happy to be something you can point to and blame. Maybe you can work things out if you've got an easy enemy, and hey it brought you together with some good people. I'd rather have 5 friends who stick by me through thick and thin than a whole network that is ready to hang me out to dry the moment winds change. Unfortunately I'm left with neither. I must pick up the pieces for myself, and the best friend I got has cancer, and isn't long for this world. She helps me though, she sees the good inside me that has been hidden from my vision for so long (for future reference, don't ask a bunch of people who are Really Super Mad at you if they think you are a good person, they will not give you an impartial answer). Yeah, I've done some real bad shit, scummy and unforgivable deeds! I have also done very good things, I have helped people in need, I have been generous and offered people places to stay when they needed it, I have given my own money away to others who need it more, cause I was probably just going to buy weed with it anyways. I am not good, nor am I bad, simply human. Humans make mistakes, really fucking bad ones sometimes, but humans also learn, and adapt, reinvent themselves for the better. That's my path now, Reinvent myself for the better. As someone who cares to ask about the little stuff, as someone with the integrity to not talk shit behind people's backs, as someone who stands up for what's right, as someone who isn't a liar, and as someone who will Never Forget the things they have done, but someone who also doesn't let that hold them back from growing and changing as a person. I have grown and changed so much in 6 years, not enough? Clearly, but I'm not fucking done yet. I'm not done kicking, I still have a fire inside me and that stupid fucking mind goblin is Not going to win. I keep him on a harness now, and he doesn't speak unless spoken to.  I still have so much changing to do, I still have a long road ahead, but I've got my running shoes on and I'm ready for the challenge, I have done harder things and came out on top, I have faced worse situations and came back with only minor mental issues, I Can Do This. I will prove to everyone who doubts my character that I am capable of being Better, and doing Better. 

    Can you believe I made it a point of pride, how good I was at lying? I did it so much,  I got real good at it. Lying to my parents, lying to my sisters, lying to lovers, friends, even myself. I had a lot of training when I was young. The truth would often lead to punishment, that teaches you how to lie real good, real quick. So good you can even trick yourself into believing it! A good lie will do that, it's why nobody thinks to question it. If you yourself believe it to be true, there is no tell, nothing that would lead them to suspicion!  I got good at suspending my disbelief, suspending the truth, for my own gain and benefit. It feels vile, it betrays everything I live for, and it betrays everyone you love. After you do it, your guts twist up like they're trying to burst out of you. And one lie is never suitable. It always snowballs eventually, to the point where you can't even keep track about what's true about yourself! It makes you question things about YOURSELF that you take at face value. Did I really start drinking when I was 11 or did I just say that to seem cool in middle school?  Was I really Assaulted at age 12? Did I really try to off myself at that age? Was it just the one time? Was it multiple? Was my family really as mean as I make them out to be? Was I really so alone? Can I be sure? I know what I remember happening to me, but how much of it is fabricated? How much did I so conveniently leave out to spin a narrative? Okay maybe I'm exaggerating since Most of that stuff Definitely happened, but who can trust Me about it? Can I trust myself? This is what being a good liar does to you. Self doubt is sewn in every word, but you've got to seem like you know exactly what you're talking about. It's hell. Never again. Honesty is a virtue, and I need to live by it now, lying is a hard habit to break, but hey no time like the present! Nobody I've lied to wants to be around me anymore, all I've got to do is be honest with all the new people I meet, and if people do end up coming back (doubtful) Tell them the truth. Tell them I lied. It will make them mad, they may not want to come back afterwards. But it must be done. A clean slate can't be clean if there is a layer of rust on it.

    I've been trying to remind myself that I'm still allowed to have fun. I can't just wallow the rest of my life away, and I can have fun without guilt. I bought tickets to see Less Than Jake (and Fishbone and Catbite and the Suicide Machines) this august, I've been going out to the jazz bar to see live music, why just yesterday the neighbours set up a projector in their yard and invited us to watch The Wild Robot (yes I did almost cry but I was wearing makeup so I held it the fuck together). I'm allowed to enjoy myself, I'm smiling more, and not feeling guilty about it. Every day I feel more and more like myself, no longer is it a monster I see in the mirror. I see a girl, a (mostly) human girl. Her name is Allie. I love her, loving her is hard. She fucks up a lot, she can be really mean to people who don't deserve it, she's snarky and rude, bold and unfiltered, and she's done a lot of bad things, but I love her. I have to. She is beautiful, and she's just started living her life genuinely. Being unforgivingly and unwaveringly herself. Living authentically, owning her mistakes, and forging a path through this godforsaken Earth that sets the road aflame.

and I think that's okay. Good even! Every day she does better and better, and every day her image in the mirror gets clearer and clearer. The path to a better future for her is ahead of me, and I'm taking it one step at a time, my pace was a lot slower before, but now I can feel it, a jog, turns into a run, into a sprint, soon I'll be galloping towards that bright end of this dark unforgiving tunnel at gatorlike speeds. And I can't Wait.