>Now Playing - Don't Know How To Love by EVER
It is so much easier to deal with your problems when you frame it as others deliberately hurting you, instead of all of us not having any fucking clue what the Hell we are doing, and hurting each other in the process. The reality is sometimes bad things happen because of the circumstances that allowed them to be. Whether it is ignorance, negligence, bitterness and wrath, foolishness, selfishness, or what have you. It is easier to say that they were done out of Evil and done Deliberately, but sometimes it is simply a mistake, a misstep, the wrong decision, a missed connection, the wrong words coming out at the wrong time, a lowered inhibition, a low impulse control. Sometimes things happen, and you get hurt, and you want a clear villain to blame. That is natural. It is human. I did it, and I see now the error in my ways. I have been on both sides of it, and I say this understanding that what I did was wrong, and I live with that guilt. No amount of "I'm sorry" and "It will never happen again" and "I'm fundamentally different now" will ever wash that away. No that will stick with me till I die I think, but it has also given me the opportunity to reflect on how I have vilified others, and realize that if it is unfair to one, it is unfair to others. Everyone has their reasons for why they do things. Whether they believe it is right or not, nobody does things just for the sake of evil. That is Not a concept that exists in the real world. Evil comes from prioritizing yourself at the expenses of others in a way that directly causes hurt and pain to them in a way you comprehend entirely. Every godforsaken CEO who breaks the back of his worker to make an extra dollar, they believe they are doing what they need to in order to get by in this world, every murderer has a motive, every thief steals because they feel they need to. When people wrong me, they do it because they don't know better, or they felt they needed to. Whether it's true not is irrelevant, and in some cases malleable. Everyone feels justified in their cause, and everyone has a villain in their story, I need to break this cycle for myself in order to truly move past this time in my life. The hard part comes with the fact that if I do so, it does not mean that anyone else will join me in that. I must learn to accept this. People will think what they want about me, say what they want about me, they will speak the truth, they will slander, they will simply state their opinion, and they are entitled to do so. I cannot change what other people think about me, this is something entirely out of my control. No, truly my self ideation must come from inside. From what I know of myself, and what I believe about my future. Everyone else will think different. This is okay. I must know who I am inside and be confident and comfortable with that. No idealized version of myself, simply what is true. I am flawed, this is true, I have done bad things, made poor decisions, this is true, I have done good things, made positive decisions, and helped others, this is true. I am not a victim, however I once was. This is true. The events in my life caused me, tho directly or indirectly, to do the things I have done, good and bad. They will continue to do so, current events included, this is true. I am trying to do better, and working on being better, this is true. Many others who have been down the same path failed to change course in the way I am trying. This is true. Think of it like this, you are flowing down a river, it splits many times, and has forks. You hold a paddle with which you may choose what fork you go down. For a while you thought you could not fight the current, it is too strong, and you are weak. This river ride you are on has forced you to make hard decisions, not just the simple left or right, no, decisions that change lives. Rationing food and water, casting out extra weight from your raft, repurposing beloved artifacts into patches for the holes in the raft. Then suddenly over the horizon you see it. The Waterfall and before it; some rapids. Sure,You've already braved some rapids, but these will surely wreck your already shitty and dilapidated raft, and there will be nothing to hold onto when you go over the falls. Perhaps death awaits at the bottom, if not, a destination so unsavory that you may wish death upon yourself. Out of desperation you try the unthinkable. You begin to paddle upriver, against the current. Perhaps you were not as weak as you thought, because you find your raft slowing down. It is hard work, your arms tire, sometimes you slip and the current catches you, however you Must keep rowing. You must change your course, because if you do not, you will not like what will happen to you, you will not like what you will become. You find yourself alone on your raft because you threw everyone else off at previous forks in the river, and anyone who wasn't thrown off was lost in the rapids. And so you paddle, with no help. You fight the current, and it is hard, but everyday your raft slows just a little more, and you begin to make progress in the right direction, you can feel the current shift around you, soon you will keep pace with the salmon running up river, and you may even find yourself able to return to a fork, and change your course, save yourself from the waterfall. It will not be easy, but it was not supposed to be, and taking the easy way has got you here. This is what I am doing currently. Fighting years of programming and nature that has made me who I am today, arguing with the little voice in my head who says that I'm not worth it. Fighting an upbringing that has taught me to take what I want, and do whatever it takes to achieve that. Fighting every survival instinct I thought I needed. And realizing I was wrong. Accepting that I cannot undo the wrongs I have done, and paddling onward, holding out hope that the other fork in this so called river doesn't also lead to the same place. Hope is a sad thing, because if you look around, it's hard to find. But if you're lucky enough to find it, you cannot let it go.
I met somebody recently. Someone who talks to me like he did, someone who talks to me sweet and says all the right things. We met through some weird random happenstance, a dance I was invited to, and I thought it was a miracle. I suppose I was blinded by rose coloured glasses. I liked their sweet words, I liked the attention they gave me. It made me feel good, valued, like I was someone entirely different. They brought out the fun side of me again, the side that dances, the side that likes to dress up and go out, the side that I wish I had more of. and I thought maybe there was something of substance there. The attention got to me, my sad little worn out heart perked up like a dog in a kennel hearing the door open. Of course... they don't want something serious with me. Not that I'm ready, or that it'd be even good for me right now. I still have much to figure out, and many things to cope with before that, but if you doubt even for a moment that I would have jumped at the chance for something like that, you are Dead wrong. I mean come on, I've always been the self-destructive type, and a hopeless romantic. But it doesn't matter. That isn't what they want. I don't know what it is they want. Probably just to fuck me and toss me aside like the rest of them, a glorified goddamn escort they can pay in moscow mules and tequila shots. Okay so maybe I'm exaggerating and projecting and all that stuff my therapist has told me not to do. But still, the disappointment my little heart felt when they said friends with benefits... I'd felt that somewhere before. With someone before. It made me do some things I regret, and in doing so, I sowed seeds of distrust in a valued relationship. And yet there I was in the bathroom stall making out with them. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to. If you had a crush and they said "wanna make out tonight just as friends haha" you telling me you'd say no? What was a girl to do?! I know it's a bad idea, but I'm seeing them again soon. I said it, I like the attention. They make me feel good, we have fun together. They call me baby, and pretty girl, they talk to me sweet. They treat me like a princess, and it's all I want. Or... just short of all I want I guess. Besides, there's no way they'll stick around when I tell them Why I got kicked out of my band and Why I'm working so hard on myself. I Hinted at it that night, but it was the second time we'd met, I'm not just gonna go around telling every james, mary, and joe what happened. It's personal, and yes they'd have a right to know if they were really invested in a relationship with me, but I don't really get that vibe, so I'll sit on that for a bit, till I'm sure they can hold the space to hear me out. Understand what I'm trying to do. Take all the facts, and decide if they wanna keep seeing me. Another thing that puts me off is their strange need to keep us a secret, even if we're just fooling around, something about their mom not approving or something, which is fair because we're queer and such, but I get the feeling it's not about the queerness. Whatever, I don't know their situation and I can't speak on that. So I guess in conclusion, my heart aches, but I'm going to have my fun and try not to get hurt (or hurt them) in the process.
Snoop Dogg had a vet visit. I'm really proud of him, he was very brave even if he didn't let the vet tech try and shove a thermometer where the sun don't shine. He got his vaccines, and he got a biopsy for a weird lump on his chest (the main reason we took him). It was tough seeing my poor lad in such dire circumstances, and I absolutely HATE that they didn't let me stay with him when he was getting the needles poked and prodded into him. I seriously worry about him lately, but the vet says other than the lump and being slightly overweight, he's perfectly healthy. I've been trying to get him to exercise more, and I put him on a proper diet. I'm just trying to give him the best life I can while he's still around, he's had a rough journey just like me, and I made a lot of mistakes when growing up with him that I'm trying to fix. He's old now, his eyes are a little cloudy, and the brown in his fur is fading to white, but he still acts like a puppy. I don't.... quite know what I'll do without him. He's been by me through good times and bad, we're sort of trauma bonded together. He was my only friend in Portland, he was my confidant when I had no one else, and when all my friends turned their backs on me, it was his neck I cried into. I know he isn't going to live forever, I just need him to make it a little longer. I don't know if I can finish this fight without him. I just want him around a little longer. If this is the year he......
Well I don't want to think about that anymore. Right now he's healthy, and I'm trying my best. Instead I'm going to outline my "Life Plan" as it stands
Snoopy has been certified as an ESA, meaning we can take him with us when we move.
I have (almost) successfully changed my name to Allie Gator Rojas (just waiting on the ID so I can transfer my bank info over)
Next up is obtaining my GED. I'm trying some free online resources to essentially Relearn math
Afterwards, I'm going to try technical college, I think Culinary sounds like a good choice, maybe something in botany.
From there I'm... moving to New Orleans? I guess? Maybe I need to save up enough money first...
Then It's New Orleans.
I was gonna try financing a new electric drum set in order to build credit, but it seems that's not a great option, so maybe I'll get a credit card and make the payments with the credit card and pay the credit card bill to build credit. I dunno. Still gotta think that one through.
Gosh, what else to say. I don't know. I'm trying hard to be kinder to myself, and my therapist says that's good. I'm trying to force myself out of my comfort zone, and do things I wouldn't normally feel like doing. So far it's paid off. Saw the new How to Train Your Dragon movie, it was good. I'm starting to force my name at work so people are starting to Get it. Things might just be looking up, but I'm afraid to say that. Because Everytime I say that, they just come crashing down again. C'est la Vie I suppose, I'll pick up the pieces like I always have.
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