>Now Playing - Runnin' by Manwolves
What I wouldn't do for just one more phone call from you. The same ones that used to make my heart sink and my eyes water, I now find a longing for. I know I wasn't perfect, not even that good, and I know you deserve better, but I can't help but miss what we had. You treated me better than I deserved, and it's the only time I've felt cherished and appreciated in a relationship. I simply didn't return the favor. I'm so sorry for how I fucked things up and I know it doesn't mean fuckall to you now because of how I acted when we were together, still I'd cross seas, climb mountains, just for a single phone call I used to dread. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you when you were here, I'm sorry it took losing you to wake me up, and I'm sorry you got hurt in the process. I know you can't forgive me, I don't expect you to, but I can't help but yearn for one more call. I don't even know what I'd say, maybe I'd just listen to you talk, yell at me. Just to hear that voice again. But I can't, and you won't call. I don't want to subject you to anymore of my bullshit excuses or shitty behavior. But a girl can dream, and she can miss her ex, and she can remember the good times they had, and regret all the wrong things she did. And she can accept that it's too little too late. I hope you are well, and I hope you take good care of my friend, he needs it right now. I miss you more than you could imagine. I feel like such a fool, if I had a Seco Thir Fourth
If I could do it over again I... would probably manage to fuck it up again, and still be sitting here sorry, and still be writing this.
It's funny how people will scapegoat you for things you had nothing to do with if they find out you are flawed. Oh you made a mistake? You must be the source of all my problems! It's funny how many people have come forward to blame me for things I had little to no part in, or getting upset with me for something they never told me. I don't quite see the sense in that, but I get it. Nobody wants to take the blame for their own problems, I know that all too well, but you can't keep running from it. I've learned that the hard way, Sure I'm shallow, vain even, prideful, easily upset, but I can only influence others so much, what other people do to you based on how You Act is not my business. And yeah, maybe I talked shit which is bad (I don't know when I became the kind of person who did that to people) but if there are that many willing to talk shit about you, maybe you should reassess your own behavior. Sure I didn't think to ask personal questions about things I had assumed about you, but you never volunteered the information either? But sure, that can be my fault. Got any new girlfriends lately is a pretty funny way to start conversations! Whatever. I'm not mad, if anything I'm happy to be something you can point to and blame. Maybe you can work things out if you've got an easy enemy, and hey it brought you together with some good people. I'd rather have 5 friends who stick by me through thick and thin than a whole network that is ready to hang me out to dry the moment winds change. Unfortunately I'm left with neither. I must pick up the pieces for myself, and the best friend I got has cancer, and isn't long for this world. She helps me though, she sees the good inside me that has been hidden from my vision for so long (for future reference, don't ask a bunch of people who are Really Super Mad at you if they think you are a good person, they will not give you an impartial answer). Yeah, I've done some real bad shit, scummy and unforgivable deeds! I have also done very good things, I have helped people in need, I have been generous and offered people places to stay when they needed it, I have given my own money away to others who need it more, cause I was probably just going to buy weed with it anyways. I am not good, nor am I bad, simply human. Humans make mistakes, really fucking bad ones sometimes, but humans also learn, and adapt, reinvent themselves for the better. That's my path now, Reinvent myself for the better. As someone who cares to ask about the little stuff, as someone with the integrity to not talk shit behind people's backs, as someone who stands up for what's right, as someone who isn't a liar, and as someone who will Never Forget the things they have done, but someone who also doesn't let that hold them back from growing and changing as a person. I have grown and changed so much in 6 years, not enough? Clearly, but I'm not fucking done yet. I'm not done kicking, I still have a fire inside me and that stupid fucking mind goblin is Not going to win. I keep him on a harness now, and he doesn't speak unless spoken to. I still have so much changing to do, I still have a long road ahead, but I've got my running shoes on and I'm ready for the challenge, I have done harder things and came out on top, I have faced worse situations and came back with only minor mental issues, I Can Do This. I will prove to everyone who doubts my character that I am capable of being Better, and doing Better.
Can you believe I made it a point of pride, how good I was at lying? I did it so much, I got real good at it. Lying to my parents, lying to my sisters, lying to lovers, friends, even myself. I had a lot of training when I was young. The truth would often lead to punishment, that teaches you how to lie real good, real quick. So good you can even trick yourself into believing it! A good lie will do that, it's why nobody thinks to question it. If you yourself believe it to be true, there is no tell, nothing that would lead them to suspicion! I got good at suspending my disbelief, suspending the truth, for my own gain and benefit. It feels vile, it betrays everything I live for, and it betrays everyone you love. After you do it, your guts twist up like they're trying to burst out of you. And one lie is never suitable. It always snowballs eventually, to the point where you can't even keep track about what's true about yourself! It makes you question things about YOURSELF that you take at face value. Did I really start drinking when I was 11 or did I just say that to seem cool in middle school? Was I really Assaulted at age 12? Did I really try to off myself at that age? Was it just the one time? Was it multiple? Was my family really as mean as I make them out to be? Was I really so alone? Can I be sure? I know what I remember happening to me, but how much of it is fabricated? How much did I so conveniently leave out to spin a narrative? Okay maybe I'm exaggerating since Most of that stuff Definitely happened, but who can trust Me about it? Can I trust myself? This is what being a good liar does to you. Self doubt is sewn in every word, but you've got to seem like you know exactly what you're talking about. It's hell. Never again. Honesty is a virtue, and I need to live by it now, lying is a hard habit to break, but hey no time like the present! Nobody I've lied to wants to be around me anymore, all I've got to do is be honest with all the new people I meet, and if people do end up coming back (doubtful) Tell them the truth. Tell them I lied. It will make them mad, they may not want to come back afterwards. But it must be done. A clean slate can't be clean if there is a layer of rust on it.
I've been trying to remind myself that I'm still allowed to have fun. I can't just wallow the rest of my life away, and I can have fun without guilt. I bought tickets to see Less Than Jake (and Fishbone and Catbite and the Suicide Machines) this august, I've been going out to the jazz bar to see live music, why just yesterday the neighbours set up a projector in their yard and invited us to watch The Wild Robot (yes I did almost cry but I was wearing makeup so I held it the fuck together). I'm allowed to enjoy myself, I'm smiling more, and not feeling guilty about it. Every day I feel more and more like myself, no longer is it a monster I see in the mirror. I see a girl, a (mostly) human girl. Her name is Allie. I love her, loving her is hard. She fucks up a lot, she can be really mean to people who don't deserve it, she's snarky and rude, bold and unfiltered, and she's done a lot of bad things, but I love her. I have to. She is beautiful, and she's just started living her life genuinely. Being unforgivingly and unwaveringly herself. Living authentically, owning her mistakes, and forging a path through this godforsaken Earth that sets the road aflame.
and I think that's okay. Good even! Every day she does better and better, and every day her image in the mirror gets clearer and clearer. The path to a better future for her is ahead of me, and I'm taking it one step at a time, my pace was a lot slower before, but now I can feel it, a jog, turns into a run, into a sprint, soon I'll be galloping towards that bright end of this dark unforgiving tunnel at gatorlike speeds. And I can't Wait.
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