Yikes...

 Had my last appointment with my current therapist today...

    It's strange, honestly, what happened, I started caring about what they thought about me. I couldn't tell them the truth about what was happening in my life because I was worried they would judge me. What the fuck. Why??? Why did I care what my therapist thought? They already knew my deepest darkest secrets and stuff, if she would judge me she would have. It's absolutely ridiculous and yet...

    I have stuff to say, that I can't tell anyone, that I'd like to tell someone, but I'm afraid of what they'll think. We all have them, and people say that "no one likes to think about it" but I'm pretty fuckin sure there's a whole bunch of people who think about it, oh I'd say, probably every fucking day. Secrets suck, all they do is wreck things and make everyone feel bad, and I just didn't have the nerve to tell someone, even my therapist, some of them. I'm getting 2nd thoughts about posting as I write this honestly, the beginning of this paragraph is so edgy it makes me want to vomit. I think I'll write about something else now.

    Very recently I had a meaningful conversation. I don't think she realizes how meaningful it was. We talked about my Existential panic and fear of mortality. She basically told me that my mindset needs to change, and honestly I sorta knew that, but hearing someone else say it really does help. I've started working on changing it, and it's a process, but hey at least I've started. It's mortifying thinking about my limited time on Earth, and even scarier to think of what might happen after, but currently I'm trying to live day-to-day, without thinking about the Big Picture. It's a struggle but having a job honestly helps more than I'd expect, and I always have friends to support me. I fear I rely on them maybe a little too much.

    I'm also experiencing the mandatory guilt that goes with not having enough money to buy people Christmas presents. Many people have asked what to get me and I simply cannot get gifts for any of them, let alone all of them. I'm planning on taking a majority of people out to a KBBQ dinner on me, and anyone I can't get there I'll arrange something one-on-one, I think that'd be fun. I'm honestly super excited for it. That's what's gettin me thru the job at this point, the though of eating a big meal with all my friends. I'm so food driven jesus christ.

I just ate 3 Corn Dogs

Shamrock Shake is back in Febuary Yall, So's my birthday.

so is the anniversary of my break-up

Yikes...

The Song of the Week is Black Butterflies and Déja-Vú by The Maine