Valentines day??

     

    I haven't ever really... gotten stuff for valentines day. Like I got the valentines that people got for everybody but I never got like.... personalized gifts. I used to be spiteful about it. I used to hate the entire month of February. I had come to terms with it by now, but then I made a friend. That friend's whole thing is valentine's day, and they were DEVASTATED when I told them that. So today I had a whole thing. It made me realize some things. I didn't realize how much I actually enjoy receiving meaningful gifts. I'm not used to it. People hadn't really put much thought into gifts for me as a kid I guess, or maybe it just felt like it didn't. Not until recently, like the last 2 Christmases felt a lot more genuine than any of the others, except for maybe the one where I got Minecraft from my sister. My other sister gave me my record player 2 christmasses ago, and last christmas she gave me a shit ton of cool shit for my room. Iunno, recently gifts have felt less like people guessing what I want and more like people getting me shit they know I'll like. It's nice. I got a cool rock today, I dont remember what it does, happiness and positivity I think? as well as a spell jar, a stuffed frog AND a stuffed banana-gator AND some chocolates and I got to finally watch spirited away. I had a really good valentine's day today. Like,,, really good. It's never been quite this good before. My last one was sorta weird to say the least. I went to red robin with a bunch of people who had been on molly for like, iunno 48 hours straight or somethin. I was unmedicated, stoned to the heavens, and probably a little drunk. I appreciate them not letting me have any molly, not that I wanted to try, but still it was good to know that they wouldn't let me. Whatever, this post isn't about that little adventure.

    I had such a shitty day at work last Saturday. We were fucking slammed. I was on register and dishes back and forth because I wasn't fast enough at making smoothies and that made me feel super useless. On top of that while I was grabbing replacement soymilk, I fucking dropped a gallon jug and it broke and got soymilk everywhere. In the middle of a rush. I had to frantically mop it up while trying not to cry. do you know what it feels like to hopelessly slush around a huge pool of semen-colored soymilk as people are constantly trying to get past you and not slip on the mess you made? It doesn't feel awesome. Plus, since I was getting off 30 min early, I didn't get a lunch break in the middle of my shift. Just 4 and a half hours of panicked register work and dishes.  I never smoke cigarettes but I found myself craving them after that shift.

    One of my band members has been radio silent for a while. It's... worrying. Me and the other guy, Leaky, we had a conversation about it recently. He keeps asking me what to do. As if I know. I worry about them, but like what can we do? If we can't communicate with them then how are we supposed to help? I can't just be driving to Tacoma to check on them. I feel bad. I feel like I should know what to. I feel like I should do something regardless. Whatever, its not a huge deal. Probably. I really hope we can pull through this but iunno, things are so strange right now. I feel like I'm in such an in-between stage of my life. The only real consistency is my job, what little consistency that is.

    I went to the doctor today. I weigh 120. I fucking hate that. I used to be 135. I knew I was losing weight, I hate being this skinny. It makes me feel sick. I want to gain weight desperately. I know I need to eat better and more consistently. It not that easy though. I wish I cooked more. I wish I could cook better. I wish I was just good at things without having to practice them. I wish my skin would clear up. I wish my job would fucking pay me sooner. My birthday is in 5 days. holy shit. I wonder if people who are buying me gifts read this blog. If you're reading this and you're also planning on buying me a gift you should get me a funny card. Like Lesbian wedding or death of son. Or a minion card or something stupid like that.

    Lately I've been asking a lot of "where am I gonna be at this time next year?" type questions. I think about how things were last year. I remember when I thought things would be that way forever, and my life would never change. I remember being okay with that. I wonder if that means I was content. Does that mean I'm no longer content? I remember when I could tell things would change. I remember the pit in my stomach when I figured out what was changing. I want to have a good birthday this year. I want to not cry on my birthday this year. I don't want to spend my birthday alone playing minecraft. I don't want to play happy birthday for myself on my guitar and then immediately start crying. I want to break a bottle and stab someone with it. I want to spray paint dicks on something important. I want to be happy on my birthday. I'm tired of being a stupid edgy cliche.

Happy valentine's day, I hope you guys had a good one too.

The song of the week is Jailhouse by Sublime