Self Care???

     I took it easy this weekend. Didn't do much. Work and life has been a bit hectic so I decided I deserved some R&R. Well... in all honesty the stuff I wanted to do was outdoors and the weather decided to be awful to spite me specifically. Still,  I did a face-mask, hung out with friends, had me time, spent time with my mom, went to the circus even! Didn't get a chance to play my drums, but more on that later. The circus was cool, some guy my mom works with listens to Gizz so my mom introduced us. Afterwards he said I was cool! I have been riding this high ever since. I honestly thought I blew that interaction, in my defense I was incredibly awkward and a little overstimulated see:circus, nonetheless he told my mom he thought I was cool and that I had super awesome hair (a delightful reminder of how much my hair really does for me as a person). During the circus there were some parts that really overstimulated me. I was starting to get freaked out right before intermission. I was pretty much dancing around a panic attack. Thankfully the break was exactly what I needed to convince myself that I should waste time with existential panic attacks as I am doing something culturally important and worth my time. Being able to recall your memories of a circus is so fucking cool. Gotta let it age though. I'll talk about  that in 40 years when I recall my childhood with bliss and regret. I will mention thought, that having a mom that works at the circus and speaks Spanish (some of the songs have Spanish lyrics) means you get to know super cool extra details about the plot of the show (which I will also be withholding).

    I'm gaining confidence at work, I'm becoming a better smoothie slinger and I can handle more things at once. I don't make as many mistakes which is cool. I'd like to start going on weekly runs every Friday. I wanna take my dog for more walks but he's difficult to walk because he gets really skittish around cars and we live on a busy street (he doesn't love car rides so driving to the park probably wouldn't be much better), He's getting kind of fat. I'm worried about the health of my dog, I'm worried about the health of my friends. I'm worried about my health! I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about The State Of Things globally right now. I had to explain to my mom over dinner that no, its not a rumor about a war in Ukraine. Yes, Russia really is launching a whole attack on Ukraine. That wasn't a fun fucking conversation to have. On one side of things yes, it's important to talk about because ignorance helps nobody, but she refuses to watch any sort of news from anywhere and instead relies on what her work friends tell her, and what I tell her. She's always doubting my answers too after asking ME for my opinion!!! Whatever, she's getting better at that.

    Its been a while since I played the drums. I have been sorta busy with work and friends, as well as birthdays. I'll be able to play more in the spring and summer when it's light out for much longer. That'll be nice, I could drum every day then, but no, I can't drum passed 6 PM here or I'll get yelled at by some old ass proxy for the unchecked angst I feel towards my father. That sounds edgy, but it's actually funny because his name is Jeff. Fuckin prick. Hope you rot old bastard. Anyways, I'm getting better at embracing my wierdness and putting more effort into having a sort of big personality in public, so that'll be fun! For me, not any of you fools who know me in real life.

This post feels a lil lackluster, but shwatevs, nothin much happened cuz I took it EZ.

See y'all next week!

The song of the week is Give Me the Cr33p$ by Blackcat

I'm 18

     It's weird. I'm 18 now. I had all this buildup. I thought it was gonna be this huge thing! And then it came, and it went. Nothing's changed really. My sister said it's gonna feel like that till I move out, which is why I need to move out sooner rather than later. I don't know how that's gonna work, I'll figure it out. I was thinkin about renting a house with some friends but I dunno about that yet. But still its weird to think about. I'm legally an adult now. I've been thinkin. Does the song teenage dirtbag still apply? I am still a teen technically, however I am also technically an adult. I'm partly a little worried. There's so much I still just don't understand and that's frightening, but I figure it's no different from last birthday, if not like 1 million times better because I didn't get dumped this year. It seems I've cleared the Winter Gauntlet safely! This is incredible as the last safe crossing of the winter gauntlet had to have been oh I don't know about 6 years ago. That's right folks I had a good time from Nov. 25th all the way to February 21st! I guess I'm calling it a bit early but I dunno, I'm confident I can make it out of February without some sort of disaster occurring or any of my friends dropping dead. here's to hoping!

    In other news, my band is supposed to finally meet up again soon! I'm not sure because I've been busy with birthday activities so I haven't been keeping in touch but I've heard some things. I need to practice my drums more. I fucked up my knee somehow today and that made drumming harder. I don't know how I did it, probably because I am stupid and likely because of stairs. I'm sure it'll pass. I can't play tomorrow because I have work, but I can probably do Wednesday.

    On my birthday I went to the car museum in Tacoma. It was pretty sick. It made me also realize how little I actually know about cars. I thought I knew... some things. It's clear now I don't know shit. But hey, I knew about the origins of nascar, thanks cold war obsession! It's cool tho because my sister's boyfriend knew a lot of interesting things about them so I wasn't completely lost and I still got to see cool cars and get sick posters so I had a great time. I had a seafood boil for dinner which kicked ass and I also got a cake that was very yummy. I got to hang out with my sister which is nice and it was a great excuse to not pickup extra shifts at the Woodinville jamba. A few of my friends said they'd buy me gifts, which I think is cool! I'm lowkey pumped to see what they got me but I'm trying to keep my expectations low so no matter what it is I'm pumped about it because I hate not having reactions to people's gifts.

    I'm planning on changing some things about myself now that I'm 18.  I need to take better care of myself. I'm gonna commit to exercising more, eating better, and doing more self care. I also need to treat those around me better. I feel as though sometimes I am acting fake towards people. This is not true. It's important to affirm that I act how I am, and to change who I am involves changing how I act. If I want to be the kindhearted and friendly person I consider myself, my actions need to reflect that. Sometimes I don't think they do even if everyone says I'm nice to them. I guess I tend to assume that I upset people a lot more often than I actually do. I also am quick to appoint blame to myself even if I'm the person being wronged. That needs to change. I have to be confident in standing up for myself. It's not really standing up if I doubt myself. I need to be more real. I need to act as weird as I want to. I am going to unashamedly be myself and hopefully the people that care about me will continue to do so. I think this blog will help me with that. Iunno how, but it feels like writing this down somewhere makes it more real.

Now that I'm 18 I need a new way to end these, I think I'll go with

See y'all next week!

The song of the week is Patiently 4 U by Ceramic Animal.

Valentines day??

     

    I haven't ever really... gotten stuff for valentines day. Like I got the valentines that people got for everybody but I never got like.... personalized gifts. I used to be spiteful about it. I used to hate the entire month of February. I had come to terms with it by now, but then I made a friend. That friend's whole thing is valentine's day, and they were DEVASTATED when I told them that. So today I had a whole thing. It made me realize some things. I didn't realize how much I actually enjoy receiving meaningful gifts. I'm not used to it. People hadn't really put much thought into gifts for me as a kid I guess, or maybe it just felt like it didn't. Not until recently, like the last 2 Christmases felt a lot more genuine than any of the others, except for maybe the one where I got Minecraft from my sister. My other sister gave me my record player 2 christmasses ago, and last christmas she gave me a shit ton of cool shit for my room. Iunno, recently gifts have felt less like people guessing what I want and more like people getting me shit they know I'll like. It's nice. I got a cool rock today, I dont remember what it does, happiness and positivity I think? as well as a spell jar, a stuffed frog AND a stuffed banana-gator AND some chocolates and I got to finally watch spirited away. I had a really good valentine's day today. Like,,, really good. It's never been quite this good before. My last one was sorta weird to say the least. I went to red robin with a bunch of people who had been on molly for like, iunno 48 hours straight or somethin. I was unmedicated, stoned to the heavens, and probably a little drunk. I appreciate them not letting me have any molly, not that I wanted to try, but still it was good to know that they wouldn't let me. Whatever, this post isn't about that little adventure.

    I had such a shitty day at work last Saturday. We were fucking slammed. I was on register and dishes back and forth because I wasn't fast enough at making smoothies and that made me feel super useless. On top of that while I was grabbing replacement soymilk, I fucking dropped a gallon jug and it broke and got soymilk everywhere. In the middle of a rush. I had to frantically mop it up while trying not to cry. do you know what it feels like to hopelessly slush around a huge pool of semen-colored soymilk as people are constantly trying to get past you and not slip on the mess you made? It doesn't feel awesome. Plus, since I was getting off 30 min early, I didn't get a lunch break in the middle of my shift. Just 4 and a half hours of panicked register work and dishes.  I never smoke cigarettes but I found myself craving them after that shift.

    One of my band members has been radio silent for a while. It's... worrying. Me and the other guy, Leaky, we had a conversation about it recently. He keeps asking me what to do. As if I know. I worry about them, but like what can we do? If we can't communicate with them then how are we supposed to help? I can't just be driving to Tacoma to check on them. I feel bad. I feel like I should know what to. I feel like I should do something regardless. Whatever, its not a huge deal. Probably. I really hope we can pull through this but iunno, things are so strange right now. I feel like I'm in such an in-between stage of my life. The only real consistency is my job, what little consistency that is.

    I went to the doctor today. I weigh 120. I fucking hate that. I used to be 135. I knew I was losing weight, I hate being this skinny. It makes me feel sick. I want to gain weight desperately. I know I need to eat better and more consistently. It not that easy though. I wish I cooked more. I wish I could cook better. I wish I was just good at things without having to practice them. I wish my skin would clear up. I wish my job would fucking pay me sooner. My birthday is in 5 days. holy shit. I wonder if people who are buying me gifts read this blog. If you're reading this and you're also planning on buying me a gift you should get me a funny card. Like Lesbian wedding or death of son. Or a minion card or something stupid like that.

    Lately I've been asking a lot of "where am I gonna be at this time next year?" type questions. I think about how things were last year. I remember when I thought things would be that way forever, and my life would never change. I remember being okay with that. I wonder if that means I was content. Does that mean I'm no longer content? I remember when I could tell things would change. I remember the pit in my stomach when I figured out what was changing. I want to have a good birthday this year. I want to not cry on my birthday this year. I don't want to spend my birthday alone playing minecraft. I don't want to play happy birthday for myself on my guitar and then immediately start crying. I want to break a bottle and stab someone with it. I want to spray paint dicks on something important. I want to be happy on my birthday. I'm tired of being a stupid edgy cliche.

Happy valentine's day, I hope you guys had a good one too.

The song of the week is Jailhouse by Sublime

February means hard times

    

    February always means hard times, this year is no different. Granted this is the best February I've had emotionally and mentally. I'm as independent as possible, I have a job, a vehicle and friends to hang out with! Things couldn't be better! Well they could. My mom and  I are pretty much out of money right now. I don't have enough gas to go to work today, so I'm taking her car. This money problem, its temporary. Money is coming, lot's of it, it's just coming in two fucking weeks. Suspending a fucking pay period. Whats even the point. I was already starting the day after pay-day, but instead of 2 weeks I have to wait 4? Thanks Jamba, let me celebrate while my mom figures out how we're gonna pay the fucking water bill. FUCK you.

    Speaking of Jamba... I'm getting better at working there. There's a lot of stuff they forget to tell me that I've sorta had to pick up on my own, and I make a few mistakes here or there, but I'm getting better. Because they're waiting FOUR WEEKS to give me a paycheck, it's gonna be fucking huge. I can finally carry out my plans!!!! I sound like a mad scientist finally getting a grant or funding, when in reality I will be filling my truck with water, granola bars, tampons, incense, and masks. Oh and I'm gonna take my friends to KBBQ finally. Was supposed to happen a while ago, but then they all got COVID so that went down the drain.

    Band hasn't actually played in a while. We were supposed to these past 2 Sundays, but our bassist isn't the most reliable so a lot of times we gotta cancel. It's not entirely their fault and I give them a lot of grace and sympathy but we really gotta play again, and soon. I like these dudes, they have good ideas and stuff it's just I'm not sure if things are gonna work if this keeps up. Whatever, it's not a huge deal. We've got time, plenty of time.

    If I really wanna go on a roadtrip this summer, I need to start saving up. I don't wanna run out of money in fuckin missouri and be stuck with my dad in Arkansas for however long it takes me to get back. I don't even wanna fucking see him again, but he wants me to visit this summer and I don't want him to make a big stink about it. I really hate his ass. The thought of being around him again it's repulsing. I don't know why I'm visitng him. My brain keeps telling me "it's the right thing to do! You don't wanna be one of those assholes who misses his dead father" but he may as well already be fucking dead to me, rotting in a fuckin river with maggots crawling out his goddamned eyes. His words, not mine. Fuckin hate that guy, fuck you Jeff.

    My mom bought me a bong, her name is Mommy Bong Legs. She is lethal. She is also gorgeous. That's pretty cool. I turn 18 in 12 days. I hate when people verbalize the fact I have daddy issues. Like yeah, obviously I do, fuck off. I need to find a new therapist. I scheduled a doctors appointment for the... thing... on the side of my face that wont go away. It might go away soon. I hope it does. It's giving me headaches.

For now, just one thing at a time. See ya'll next week.

The song of the week is Dirty Harry by Gorillaz.

I am exhausted

     Title says it all. This post is late, because I am SO tired and I keep forgetting to write while I have the time. That being said, this post is still incredibly late and I apologize for that. I doubt anyone reading this even cares, I doubt anyone reads this sometimes. Thats not the point though. The point of these is that I need to put my thoughts somewhere, and I can't bare to write things by hand. It's sort of like a diary I suppose, a weird public diary. Whatever. Who cares.

    The job at Jamba is fine. Its tiring to work there, and sometimes I feel really helpless when being trained because there's such a sharp learning curve and so much to know, but I'm picking up on things fast, today was only my third day after all. Jamba has a policy about docking your pay for one pay period, and I started the day after payday, so I technically wont get paid for another... two weeks? Whatever, it'll be a big one. My shift leads seem nice, and my manager is pretty chill. We are horrifically understaffed, we can barely scrape by through rushes, but it's fine, because new people from other districts shuffle in and out and I think the really nice shift lead I had the first time around is gonna be there this weekend, I work Saturday.

    I daydream about the summer a lot. I can't wait for it to be warm again. I wanna tailgate and go camping and go on hikes and do all the fun summer stuff. I wanna hold garage concerts at my house and have my band play and do fun stuff like that. I hate cold weather, I don't mind the rain!!! It's just I hate not being able to be outside. I can't wait for summer. I'll have money then, I'll be 18 then, school wont be an issue ever again unless it's my choice. It's nice to affirm that my current problems are temporary, I think everyone should do that more often.

    I miss being in a relationship a lot. I'm opening up to dating again. It's been almost a year. 19 days....  My issue is, I've told so many people in the past I wasn't ready. There wasn't anything wrong with those people, it was my issues that I had to work through before I could commit to something like that. I feel like I've worked a few of them out, and I'm ready to try again, but I'm worried about the message that might send to people I said no to, I don't want to hurt them like that, I just don't know what to do. I'm also struggling because I'm trying to only respond to people who make the first move, and only pursuing something if they make me feel wanted. A lot of the people that talk to me don't really do that. My friends are great at making me feel appreciated and cheering me up, and making me feel welcome and wanted in that sense, however romantically it feels like most people don't really want me, they want something from me, or maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'm not picking up on the signals or maybe I'm just stupid. Whatever, I have a theoretical date this Saturday I think. The whole thing seems to still be up in the air, and that's fine because I work anyways and I don't have any money so it works out fine if things change. I know you're thinking "well what happens if it does end up being saturday" well I have this cool secret hack that you can do at anytime, it's called asking your parents for money and checking your shame at the door. (it helps if you trimmed the spiky bush out front of your house) this has been life-hacks with Kev.

I turn 18 in 18 days. holy shit.

The song of the week is How Low Can A Punk Get by Bad Brains.